Derober

~Roll mouse over photo to derobe~

John:
Let me preface this by saying that before I became a Derober, I was a professional headshot photographer in Los Angeles. I often have contact with celebrities and I’m not easily impressed. But there is something about Kelly Clarkson that hits a soft spot I guess, and makes me go gaga.

The whole thing happened on a Saturday morning a few months ago. Myself, my brother Leo, and my cousin B.C. decided to go hiking up Temescal Canyon, a popular hiking trail near Malibu. Just before we left, we were having a conversation about the top 5 girls we’d love to date. It was pretty standard guy talk. Models and actresses were argued over and ranked. Long story short, Kelly Clarkson was my #1.

Now, in guy-fantasy dating, if your #1 isn’t a supermodel or Halle Barry, you’d better be prepared to defend your position. So I told them, “There’s something about pure artistic talent that makes somebody beautiful. Kelly has a sort of intangible creative energy that she carries around with her.” Then my brother called me a girl and we were on our way to Temescal Canyon.

The hike up was uneventful. B.C. complained about how tough the trail was and we told him we’d bring a wheelchair next time. We did see a big snake on the way up and my brother jumped out of his shoes. (Who’s the girl now?) We finally reached the top.

The summit of Temescal is the reason for the hike. The view is breathtaking. You can see the Pacific Ocean all the way out to Catalina Island. To the north are the Malibu hills and behind is the city. It’s one of the most beautiful (and romantic) points on earth. I actually took a picture of some guy and his fiancé just after he had proposed. We took in the view and started our decent.

Because Leo wouldn’t let it go that Halle wasn’t my #1, conversation drifted back to Kelly on the way down. “So would you do if you met her?” Leo asked. “I don’t know. I’d probably just tell her I think she’s talented and I’m a fan. I’d play it cool.”
“That’s it?”
“Nope. I’d politely ask her on a date.”
“Liar.”
“Swear.”
“Bet.”
“Accepted.”

At that very moment (not kidding) we passed two girls who said hello. We walked about 10 more steps and then we all suddenly froze as if there was a delay while our brains thought, “Hey, those were some cute girls… one of them looked like somebody I know… huh, one of them looked a lot like.. wouldn’t that be funny – OH MY GOD!” It was pretty overwhelming for all of us. Not just because Kelly Clarkson just passed us looking really rather sexy in black stretch pants, but the timing of the whole thing was so bizarre. Slowly, Leo and B.C. turned back and looked at me, grinning. Two more devilish smiles I have never seen.

Let me say this was not supposed to happen. It’s a fantasy #1. In real life you don’t meet these people, you just pretend like if you did you’d have the courage to do something about it.

When we turned around Kelly had disappeared. Just to our right was a steep hill about 30 yards high. B.C. figured that we’d be able to locate Kelly from the top of the hill so I could go make a complete fool of myself. B.C. ran up the hill first and said he would yell down Kelly’s location (that sounded a little stalker-ish, I know).

B.C. scrambled up the hill. The same kid who needed an electric wheelchair 5 minutes prior suddenly had a bounce in his step. How nice. What felt like an eternity passed before B.C. yelled down, “Come on up!” So Leo and I made our way up the steep incline. I could hear B.C. yelling from the top, “I can’t find her. She must have taken a different trail.”

Leo and I reached the top. I brushed myself off and when I looked up, Kelly Clarkson was standing directly in front of me. Before my mind turned to mush, I reminded myself to kill my cousin when we got home.

Kelly was smiling so I assumed soon-to-be-dead-B.C. and Kelly had been discussing the finer points of my crush on her and she seemed mildly amused at least. Leo stepped forward and said, “Hi, big fan.” and Kelly smiled, “Thanks so much.” And then they looked at me. I was frozen. Do I play it cool, mysterious, shy, funny? Anything but just being yourself, right? How many times do you get to meet your dream girl on top of a picturesque mountain in Malibu? I lurched forward, “Hi. There’s a big snake down the hill. I think it’s a rattlesnake but maybe it’s a King Snake which isn’t poisonous – probably a nasty rattler though so watch out because poison is poison for humans.”

And there it was, the moment when you realize that your not watching a train wreck, you’re the train. Even worse was the look on Kelly’s face. I had scared the crap out of the poor girl. I mean, there’s only one way back down the hill. She probably wanted to call a helicopter to come get her and her friend off the snake-infested cliff. Yep, I had scared Kelly Clarkson half to death. ‘Hi, there’s a big snake down the hill?’ Great opening line, John. Claim your prize.

Kelly and her friend inched out of the conversation nicely and out of site. But she must have heard Leo and B.C. laughing their asses off. Since then, I can’t remember the last time I was at a bar with those two clowns when they ordered me any shot that wasn’t a Rattlesnake. And since then, I’ve wanted a redo, a second chance. I want a date with Kelly Clarkson, or at least a chance to politely ask her out and get shot down formally. And need the readers’ help for that. We need your advice on the best way you think I should go about scoring a date. I need your input. We’ll take the best advice you have and use it!