~Roll mouse over photo to derobe~
Bob ‘The Bitch’: Allow me to take this one, Dee. Last Sunday afternoon Britney Spears strolled into a dressing room at the Betsey Johnson store in Westfield Fashion Square mall in Sherman Oaks. She walked in to try on several dresses, and moments later she walked out with none of the dresses on…including her own. The sales clerks immediately realized that Britney was, in fact, naked. Employees rushed over and tried to conceal her hideousness from the world by hiding her behind a dress. This didn’t sit well with Britney. A store employee reported to Life & Style magazine,
“I was blown away. Britney’s private parts were right in front of me!…I grabbed a dress to cover her and she screamed, ‘Get away from me! Don’t you fucking come near me!’. “Then she disappeared in the dressing room with Adnan for 45 minutes. They were making weird noises. It was disgusting.” Finally, when they came out Britney mumbled something the storekeeper couldn’t make out, “She was slurring and spitting, and talking with a British accent…her face was covered with cold sores and acne, and her scalp was patchy. I wanted to help her, but she was so mean that I left her alone. Then she muttered, ‘Fuck you!’ and left the store.”
For more on Bob ‘The Bitch’s’ day click below.
I woke up Sunday morning like any other day. I Brushed my teeth, cleaned my shoes, drank a mug of dark coffee in my vintage Bozo The Clown costume, and fired off a round of bullets into the ceiling to check if it was sunny outside–it was. Minutes later, after stewing over the atrocity on television known as ESPN (formally a sports network), I decided to leave my house and stroll around for a new pair of white collared shirts. So I popped on my Nixon mask and drove away in my Black Hyundai Elantra hoping to leave the pain behind.
However, after taking the wrong exit on the 405, I ended up in shit-tastic Sherman Oaks. But I soldiered on and went into the first clothing store I could find which happened to be the Betsey Johnson store at the Westfield Fashion Square mall. I should have known better but I walked in anyways. Moments later while contemplating whether or not white was a good color to accentuate my hips I caught a glimpse of the most atrocious site these virgin eyes have ever seen. Britney in the nude! I mustered up all the courage I could, picked up the first dress I saw, and ran over to Britney to hide her body, in all its droopy glory, from the children of the world. I knew I would never be the same but to hell if I was gonna let Britney ruin anymore childrens’ lives than she already has. Britney shrieked and cursed at me. A lesser-known fact here: Britney is the spawn of Jabba the Hut. She cursed at me in Huttese, her native tongue, calling me a failed president and a crook; all the platitudes. I don’t remember much after that.
I still can’t be sure of what I heard on the way out. It could’ve been the moaning of Britney and her papparazzi friend Adnan getting it on in the dressing room. Or it could’ve been clothes hangers squeeking in the distance as people went about their shopping. But I think maybe..just maybe, I could hear the quiet shrieks of the dressing room walls that cried out in agony for help. I stopped for just a moment and turned around, then walked out the door.