Tom Cruise’s Scientology Indoctrination Video. Jesus.

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As many of you have heard, Tom Cruise has spun off the planet. In this video, he discusses Scientology candidly and without forming a complete thought or coherent sentence. This video is being removed by Scientology’s many lawyers and for good reason. Tom comes across as a bloviating megalomaniac. Only one website, Gawker, has held its ground and refuses to take the video down. For that, they have become our personal heroes. Tonight we join them in an effort to allow as many people as possible see what a flawed sense of reality Scientology has created in this fallen star. Enjoy.
Dear ‘Church’ of Scientology International’s Lawyers,
Please address all inquiries to our lawyer, Paex Aeuspuzoe, or P.A. as we like to call him. Now, he does live on Neptune so mind your time zones. He can be a bit of a meshugeneh if you wake him up before ten. Fair warning, P.A.’s used to be a Scientologist himself, an OTVII theton to be prescise. He went to Tremenina base once to ‘build a bridge to total freedom’ but instead he just got both his snouts blown off in one of the land mine fields they have surrounding the base. So he defected from the fast pace of the Galactic Confederacy and just knits quilts in his free time. His only regret is that he never made it to level OT VIII to ‘experience the highest global sociopolitical echelons’ and maybe bang a virgin. Anyway, send him an email. Parcel post would just take an eternity. Remeber the famous line from Henry VI, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
Warm Regards,
The Derobers

BREAKING: There is a new Tom Cruise Video with subtitles defining all the alien jargon he uses! Brilliant!!!

Comments (19) “Tom Cruise’s Scientology Indoctrination Video. Jesus.”

marky markJanuary 16, 2008 @ 1:21 pm

yeah, he’s gone crazy

marky mark
IhadcheesburgerJanuary 16, 2008 @ 1:24 pm

holy shit. i want his spaceship!

rayJanuary 16, 2008 @ 2:05 pm

i used to like Tom Cruise, now I feel unsafe living on the same planet as he does.

LeoJanuary 16, 2008 @ 2:06 pm

pretty soon the only human contact Tom Cruise will have will be through a tiny glass window in a padded room

Dee RoberJanuary 16, 2008 @ 3:32 pm

This is not good for the man. not one bit

Dee Rober
MR. BIGGLESWORTHJanuary 16, 2008 @ 4:28 pm

I can’t believe what i’m watching

jarrodJanuary 16, 2008 @ 5:33 pm

chill out people.. theres no difference between this and the real nut job christians like pat “i met with god” robertson. tom is just fired and really believes in something. i mean, he only wants to help people , right? fuckin chill out. this blows people way? get off your high horses people. i personally think all religions are bullshit. but we all should be free to believe in any bullshit we choose.

HardupJanuary 16, 2008 @ 6:47 pm

Right… so if I’m short of cash, and Tom wants to help, I can hit him up for a loan?

DonkeynutsJanuary 16, 2008 @ 7:44 pm

And if someone is having a heart-attack – Is anybody here a scientologist?!

Bob 'The Bitch'January 16, 2008 @ 7:56 pm

True, just the other night I saw an old lady and her dog being stabbed and I just kept on walking. I should convert

Bob 'The Bitch'
FiloJanuary 17, 2008 @ 12:57 am

I understand tolerance for religion. but i also understand humor. can i laugh at religion then?

Kappo2008January 17, 2008 @ 7:14 am

“I have to you know…help because…I know. You know? [manic laughter] It’s just…peowww!”. What an effing nutter this boy is!

The first step looked a little weird but had a fun element – jumping up and down on a sofa. But now he just preaches in vague, illcontrived waffle.

“Would you want others to achieve the knowledge you now have?”

I’ve watched Teletubbies so does that makes me higher than Tom Cruise then!!

W@RZ3ROJanuary 30, 2008 @ 10:39 pm

I really had to rewind this a few times.. You know the deal when your reading a book and your wife is yelling at the kid to stop writing on the walls, and your read the sentence 5 times before you know what it said…

Well, I know what the sentence said… WTF was TOM Saying? – He sounded like he was talking CODE. What a PS? or SA? – I listen to a show that did a great mix show on this topic Don’t remember the website, but the show was called THE RED THEATRE PROEJCT – Good Stuff..

BTW.. I think we have something in common, I too use the same lawyer, Paex Aeuspuzoe, or P.A. He is a grouchy MOFO.. And Don’t expect him to Portal his Mind your way without giving him a few hours warning. – Dr. Bombay.. Is his Brother I think. —LMFAO

LindaFebruary 10, 2008 @ 5:45 am

The aliens are among us….HEEEELP!!!!!


RaquellNovember 8, 2009 @ 8:03 am

fantastic! i’ve made my own journal

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