Derober

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

John:
Amidst rumors that Chace Crawford couldn’t keep his hands to himself, Carrie Underwood finally gave him the boot today. Carrie claims that the two “just want different things,” whatever that means. So I decided this is my big opportunity to score a date with Carrie. I did some digging and found out one of her email addresses (not kidding). I sent her a romantic query which I’m sure she’ll enjoy. Here it is:

Dear Carrie Underwood,

First let me say how sorry I am that you and Chance Crawford broke up. My Grandpa always said “Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” Think about how much you saved! But enough about money, how much money from my wallet can I give you to make you go on a date with me? Consider a few factors: I have no actual money in my wallet currently but I do have a $20 Applebees gift card which is better than money in my opinion. That’s where we’re going on our big date! I hear you like Tiramisu. That’s awesome! They have that at Applebees. My grandpa says he hasn’t eaten Japanese since the war so we have to bring a piece home for him! I graduated from high school which will help when we’re figuring out how much you’re going to tip our waitress.
I wanted to know all about you so I went to your blog and found out one of your favorite singers is Julie Andrews. I googled her and she sucks so we should probably listen my music. Nickleback has a new album about what it’s like to be a big rockstar and it’s just like how it really is!
You’re probably wondering about me. Well, I can pretty much be whoever you want me to be. I don’t do drugs unless you do… in which case I do lots of drugs with my roommates all the time. I own a gossip blog called Derober so we talk about what it would be like to hook up with you a lot. It’s awesome, BTW. We do photoshop on the gossip site and I photoshopped a picture of my 9-year-old-self and you I called, “Me with a Chainsaw.”

So cool! If we end up kissing on our first date, I’m going to take a picture of it so I win a bet with my brother. A Million Dollars! He’s so retarded. Anyway, I can’t wait to hear back from you.

See you soon,
John