Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
As Derober reported earlier today, there is a rumor going around that Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer which has spread so rapidly that he only has 5 weeks to live. This was reported by The National Enquirer (who I guess pass as a credible news outlet these days) who say that the 55 year old has been getting radical treatments at Stanford’s medical center. However, the treatments aren’t working. Swayze’s publicist has yet to comment.

Ok, let me tell you something about the Swayze. It would take a lot more then cancer to stop him. He wakes up and eats a bowl of Cancer Flakes every morning only to shit it out every afternoon. He’s a modern day Bill Bradsky, or Chuck Norris if you prefer, and it is said that he can’t die. Last time Death tried to kill him Death ended up with anal fissures and couldn’t walk right for a week. I’m just saying. Patrick Swayze for President…of the world.

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Happy Birthday Biiatches - March 5th:

Model Niki Taylor is 33
Actor Kevin Connolly (Entourage) is 34
Actor Jake Lloyd (Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom Menace) is 19.
Singer Eddy Grant is 60
Actress-comedian Marsha Warfield (Night Court) is 54
Comedian-magician Penn Jillette is 53
Singer Teena Marie is 52.
Guitarist John Frusciante of the Red Hot Chili Peppers is 38

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Darby Gunpowder:
I have bad news for all you Katherine Heigl fans -she’s not very nice. I happened to be working at a photoshoot for “Knocked Up” a few moons back and had the opportunity to spend some quality time alone with her. She stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and I suddenly became a smoker for the day. I bummed a Marlboro Ultra Light and her lighter pretending she was a civilian like me. Before I could light up my cigarette, she was balls deep in her jewel-studded pink Sidekick yelling at her agent and I didn’t exist. That’s fine, she wanted to make a phonecall -she didn’t owe me, a complete stranger, any kind of smalltalk conversation. But that’s not why she’s mean. Two young teenage girls approached her (she’s still on the phone) and asked for her autograph. Annoyed, she simply shook her head no, and motioned that she was on the phone and the girls walked away a bit shocked and embarrassed
Dollars to donuts if there was a photographer around, she would have smiled and given her autograph in a heartbeat. Shame on you Katie.

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Leo:
FoxNews.com is reporting that Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in late January and that it has spread to other organs; he has 5 weeks to live. This kind of horrible news would usually ruin my March and drive me to the bottle, but given that Foxnews got their story from the National Enquirer -I’m calling bullshit. We’re not sure which part of the story, if not the whole thing, is bogus; we’re hoping the whole thing. Here’s the “story”, but don’t take our word for it,

For the past month, Patrick, 55, has been traveling to Stanford University’s prestigious cancer center in Palo Alto for radical chemotherapy, but his doctors are no longer optimistic that the treatments will be successful.

Patrick and his wife Lisa Niemi — who both have pilot’s licenses — have been flying their private Beechcraft plane into Palo Alto’s airport, minutes away from the Stanford Cancer Center, where the actor has received outpatient treatment.

He received three doses of chemotherapy and the tumor shrank, but less than his doctors had hoped for — and Patrick was told he should prepare for the end.

“He was told he could have two more treatments, but his cancer was not responding. In short - they held out little hope for a cure,” said an insider.

The man who danced into the hearts of audiences worldwide in the 1980s in Dirty Dancing and then broke them in the poignant love story Ghost in the early ’90s has lost more than 20 pounds in the past few weeks and is restricted to a liquid diet because he has trouble keeping down solid food, added the insider.

“It’s time to start praying for a miracle.”

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John:
Her name is Olga Kurylenko and the correct pronunciation is not important here. We just call her the cat’s pajamas. Plucked from the Ukraine, Olga has been cast as Camille, the alluring vixen in Bond 22. Some baggage here… she’s a demon succubus sent from hell to destroy mankind. So there’s that. I welcome my death with open arms.

For more on the shoot, check out Mannpill.

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