Derober

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Fearne Cotton has the upskirt of the day (Stepfather NSFingW)
Grand Theft Auto IV might be the greatest thing ever (Asylum)
A Jamie-Lynn must read rant (BedHead)
Miley Cyrus needs to shut up (Stab)
…Or Miley just might be replaced (JustJared)
Brad and Angelina moving to France. Are you kidding (Blemish)

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well, well, boy wonder David Blaine set another new record. This time he held his breath under water longer than anyone else. His time was 17 minutes and 4 seconds, just about a minute shy of my goal for him which was that he drown. However, the record might just be bogus. Before he went into the tank Blaine inhaled air through an oxygen tank which helped to flush out all the carbon dioxide in his system thus helping him to breath longer. And I say booo. That’s like taking steroids to train before the big track meet. Or in David’s case, it’s like taking cool pills to avoid being a such a douche. Either way, I hate him. You’re no martyr, David. You’re just a moron.

For more on the douchetacular one.

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John:
Amy is on the set of her new film, Crank 2 High Voltage. I smell Oscar. Remember that time in Road Trip when she took off her top and made that sex tape? The video is right here if ya’ aint takin’ a gander. I forget what my point is here, and I think it might have something to do with the fact that me and my roommates and I are watching that video on repeat. So enjoy whatever it is I’m posting right now. I really can’t remember what it is.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well despite my best efforts John Mayer has managed to hook up with another knock-out. According to In Touch magazine, John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are inseparable. John flew in to Miami just this past weekend to visit Jen at her $3,000 a night presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental. For the record John was checked in at the Four Seasons, but spent nearly all his time with Jen. And when asked about his weekend fling with Jennifer in Miami John smiled and said, “My weekend was good.”

Well played John. You bagged one hell of a cougar. Looks like your secret is safe for a little bit longer.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Bootcamp. The word alone conjures negative feelings. Fat people go to bootcamp, shit-head kids go to bootcamp, convicts go to bootcamp…Katie Holmes goes to bootcamp. This can only mean one thing: the once of human left in her is trying to escape the evil spell put on her by the Scientologists. She’s rebelling.

Here’s how I think it went down:
Poor Katie went bat-shit crazy when she found out she was being shipped off to Xenu Bootcamp. The “others” gagged-n-bagged her and shot her full of Clorox Bleach to induce coma. After duct-taping her lifeless, half-human body to a dolly, she was carted off to a waiting vehicle disguised as a plumber’s van.
The interior of the seatless van is covered in newspaper clippings, hair and finished crossword puzzles. There is a doctor present. When they finally arrive at the compound under cover of nightfall, there are men waiting outside dressed in potato sacks, and Nixon masks (not affiliated with our Bob “the bitch”). The men dropped their flaming torches to once again restrain Katie who is projectile vomiting from the Clorox-come-down. A quick needle to her neck does the trick.
Oddly, the compound has no visible front door, but the group vanishes into the fog. The only lights coming from structure are from tiny, frosted windows in the cellar. The only sound is muffled Xenu-jibberish.
Katie wakes. Slurring her speech, she asks the lone guard for water -she gets a boot to the face. Darkness.
The duration of her stay at bootcamp consists of electrical shock therapy, water torture, strobe lights and hourly quizzes about all 26 stars and 76 planets of the Galactic Confederacy -except Teegeeact, or as we know it, Earth. No need to learn about the planet they are leaving soon.

36 hours and no food or sleep later, she has passed Zenu bootcamp. As Katie is carted back out of the compound, still slightly zombified, she passes a room where she sees her beloved daughter Suri with 2 men in black lab coats. They make eye contact, but Katie is too weak to speak and closes her tear-filled eyes. Suri is silent and remains expressionless.
Suri watches Katie being loaded into the plumber’s van through a window. She turns to the men and asks, “Targentram vernagjgas erresx sinlotandrerv?” The men nod yes to the question and secure the wig back onto Suri’s head, covering the screws. Suri half-smiles.

For more Tom/Katie/Suri Scientology bullshit - Click Here

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John:
Britney Spears was working out at Bally’s in LA yesterday. She left the locker room in a towel to grab a drink of water. Boy, she must have been thirsty. But then we called Bally’s and confirmed that there are, “multiple water stations in the women’s locker room.”
Look at the those people huddled in the back. Christ, that’s comedy. You know exactly what they’re thinking… ‘I can’t wait to tell my friends about this. God, she really is crazy. I wish I had a camera.’

Britney now joins an elite group of crazies including Rachael Ray, Guy Who Thought it was a Pony, and Crazy Eddie (Sandusky intramural midget toss champion).

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Nicole Ritchie wears clownshoes (pink)

Lindsay Lohan’s Breasts are Back (egotastic)

Jeremy Piven’s hot biatch rocks a bikini (stepfather)

Valedictorian doesn’t give a f@#k in his senior speech (Asylum)

Scarlett Johansson music video? (stab)

Pam Anderson Is Now Officially America’s Problem (socialitelife)

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