Derober

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John:
This week’s OK! Magazine cover features a photograph of Britney Spears with the headline, “Britney Lost 15 Lbs in Just 4 Weeks!” To prove this, OK! recycled a photo from Glamour’s 2003 Women of the Year issue and tried to pass it off as current. This truly exposes just how far celebrity rags are willing to go to move copies.  It’s arrogant to think they won’t get caught and presumes the American public is lazy and stupid. Sadly, Britney’s actual weight loss secret is, in fact, a time machine.

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World’s most elaborate sex toys (Asylum)
Nicole Kidman’s botox issues…her face primarily (Bedhead)
Jennifer England in a bikini is fun (mannpill)
Kevin and Britney’s secret weekend (popbytes)
Alanis gets retouched (DListed)
Amy Winehouse is tormented by demons (Stab)

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This may all be untrue, but according to a source Gerard Butler and Cameron Diaz might be an item. The two have reportedly been, “getting very close.” An onlooker noted that,”there was a lot of thigh and arm touching.” So whatever you take from that is what’s happening. But if it is true then I can’t help but feel a little bit responsible for the two hooking up. How is that you ask? Well, when I walked out of the movie 300 I said to my friends, “that guy deserves to get laid by the ultimate babe.” And after months of preaching that sentiment the proof is in the pudding. Gerard Butler in fact did ‘bag the ultimate babe.’

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Ok this man, who for the sake of comedy we’ll name Neo, gets to rub down Gisele Bundchen’s perfect ass with oil. I’m going to kill my guidance counselor. How come the ‘two-handfuls of heavenly ass rubdown’ wasn’t offered in the curriculum when I went to college. I would have been first in line. Can you imagine,

“Coach put me in, someone’s gotta tame that ass before it walks all over us.”

“Bob, c’mon you’ve been riding the bench all season long for a reason. You wouldn’t know what to do with those hose-hounds if I gift wrapped em and mounted them on the wall for you. Forget it.”

“But coach, I’ve been been waxing windows and watching Over The Top everyday for the past three months just like you told me to. I’m ready, Coach. Put me in.”

“Ok, Bob. You want a shot to slay the two-headed dragon? Be my guest.”

Thanks coach, I won’t let you down.

“God save us all”.

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John:
A Canadian Judge has found Chad Kroeger guilty of drunk driving. Kroeger was driving a $175K Lamborghini at 160km/hour down a Surrey, Canada street. He was reportedly listening to his own music. This is a huge setback for middle-of-the-road rock fans everywhere. He will be sentenced in May for the crime of driving while intoxicated and general douchbaggery.

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