Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
My sensible side knows this picture of Madonna is photoshopped, but I still think it’s hot. My non-sensible side turned to stone after making eye-contact. My gag-reflex side just puked out my nose when I remembered how gross Madonna is in real life (see photos below).

PS Madonna carries the weight of the world on her back in case you can’t read between the lines.

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John:
Up until last week, everybody thought Sarah Larson seemed like Clooney’s quiet accessory; a behind-the-scenes pillar of strength for the man. We were mistaken. Larson is a certified freak. The Sun has leaked a new set of photos from Larson’s Vegas days we’re calling her ‘bondage period.’
I don’t know if Sarah has a fan club but if she does, I’m going to be president of it. As president, I decree this day to be Sarah Larson Rockin’ Body Day. It’s catchy, huh? Wait, is today already a special day? Shit.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Dina Lohan may or may be possessed by the devil herself. In filming her new reality shit-show, Living Lohan, Dina was captured by photogos in some ceremonial death-soul-quenching-convulsion-dance at a Harlem church. During the dance she transformed from a dainty MILF to the spawn of Satan: The Crypt Keeper. Her other daughter, Ali, sat quietly in the corner crying while drinking goats blood from a hollowed out skull.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
For those of you who haven’t seen the Shakespearean classic Say Anything, starring John Cusack, you’re missing out. In it John plays a creepy guy who stalks his ex girlfriend by toting a beat-box radio outside the girl’s house. Some would say it’s a romantic comedy but I think it’s up for interpretation. Either way, in an ironic twist of life imitating art, John has a stalker of his own named Emily Leatherface Leatherman. The authorities were called to his home when a cab driver reported that a nasty bitch passenger was refusing to pay the fare for a ride to that area. When deputies approached the scene, they were flagged down by Cusack, who told them he recognized the woman in the cab and that she had been stalking him.
He went on to tell the officer that he was piss-ass drunk when he first hooked up with Emily and joked that she was like a snowmobile–fun to ride but too embarrassing to tell his friends. Leatherman is currently being held in lieu of $150,000 bail. Which we all know she doesn’t have.

Below are photos of some of Hollywood’s elite stars who wear ActiveClear before every mugshot.

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John:
Jessica Simpson was recently rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital for treatment of a kidney infection. She has since been released and Jess is doing just fine. I was willing to let it go until Bob ‘the Bitch’ tugged at my shorts and said, “King (the little guy calls me King) “King what really causes a kidney infection?” In women, there are three likely causes:
#1 - Strep Throat
Jessica had strep throat which led to a more serious condition. This hypothesis bores us and we have therefore undiagnosed this as a possible cause.
#2 - Deep Throat
E. Coli bacteria could have been ingested when Jessica went on her one of her notorious raw chicken benders.
#3 - The likely story
But, as many of you girls know, “kidney infection” is generally a very kind way of saying, “I have way too much rough sex, tend to suffer from chronic UTI syndrome, and it kinda caught up with me, doc.” Kidney infections are most often caused by untreated UTIs and UTIs are often caused by bacteria like the kind created during sex. It’s important to note that if Jessica contracted a kidney infection from rough sex, that’s awesome. Eating raw chicken and getting a throat tickle are not newsworthy infections, people. Sex is a much better way to get sick for the blogosphere.

The Derobers have put together a pictorial of what Simpson used to look like before her tragic affliction.

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