Derober

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John:
Ahhh, Mila Kunis. I have to imagine this is a gas pump’s equivalent to getting a hand job. The lucky pump’s name is Winston, he’s a Pacific Oil QS-9000. Winston talks to Derober exclusively about the Sarah Marshall star’s cameo at the Beverly Hill’s Exxon.

“I was having a pretty rough day. Some fat bitch with sweaty hands had just filled up her minivan. I was feeling pretty low if you’ll pardon the pun. But then I felt these soft, supple hands wrapped around me. I’ve pumped for a few celebs in my days but nobody as smokin’ hot as Mila. I blew my load hard into that Lexis coupe, man. Filled it up in about a minute. I’ll never forget that. I’m just glad somebody took a picture of it so I can show my friends. They all said I was a f*ckin’ liar.”

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Like a midget at a urinal, this story keeps me on my toes. Angelina Jolie twin watch ‘08 is like a supercharged sex addicted muscle car exploding out of the uterus of a rancor. It has already had more miss calls then a red state in a presidential election. I for one can’t stand the suspense. It’s gotten to the point where every time I take more than three steps I piss my pants and forget who I am for a half an hour. If there’s anyone out there reading this right now, please call a priest who is well versed in the 70’s art form known as exorcisms. If that’s not available, a doctor or a fortune teller will suffice, as both have the power to predict if I’m currently growing a tumor.

The official word for those who actually give a shit is that Angelina is still pregnant and with Brad and the foreign family fun bunch in France.

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John:
If you guessed a sack of hammers, you are correct. Other acceptable answers:
a. A shopping cart
b. a small woodland creature
c. a utility sink
d. all of the above.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Lindsey and her newly proclaimed girlfriend, Samantha Ronsen, were seen out and about in NYC with her younger sis, Ali.
Now I’m no gynaconologist, but I can smell a lesbian a timezone away -and Lindsey Lohan is far from it. I know everyone craves the box from time to time, but this kind of conversion so late in the game is reckless and unreasonable. It’s one thing if you switch teams for Petra Nemcova or Rachel Bilson, but Samantha Ronson sits the proverbial butch-bench.
For those of you who are thinking, “Who the fuck is Samantha Ronsen?” Click Here to find out. One need only look at the cockticulous picture on her wiki-page -it speaks volumes.
On a side note to all the ladies out there: I’m no fashion guru, but I know what sucks and these girls’ outfits suck sweaty sticky summertime balls. Don’t do that.

In case you missed it: Lindsey Lohan is not only a lesbian, she is a mannequin.

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