Derober

George Lucas recently told Fox News

“I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this,” Lucas said. “But I have an idea to make Shia [LeBeouf] the lead character next time and have Harrison [Ford] come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.”

Derober believes that Shia LaBeouf fighting terrorists in an Indy-esque role would be, well, Hindenburg-esque. His character’s name is Mutt for Christmas’ sake! Paying audience says, “No ticket. No ticket.” Why? Roll your mouse over each photo and enjoy the 7 reasons:

REASON #1
Shia doesn’t meet Indy height requirements

Harrison Ford stands a solid 6′1″ while Shia LaBeouf is a petite 5′10″. Indy is short for Indiana. Shia is short because he’s short.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

REASON #2
Indiana Jones punches men like a freight train. Shia LaBeouf punches women like a cotton candy hammer.

Have you ever heard Indiana Jones’ punch sound effects? They’re like a MAC truck full of roaring lions that just drove out of the Apocalypse. Their pitch frequency resonates at a level mankind will never fully comprehend. Blue whales off the coast of eastern Asia are rumored to be the only species that can decipher the code in Indy’s punches. Only teletubbies can hear the sound of Ninnypants LaBeof’s punches.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

.

.

REASON #3
A LaBeouf and a Ford

The Surname Ford evokes strong masculine imagery of muscle cars and Americana. A LaBeouf is some sort of French Sea Monkey.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

.

.

REASON #4
Harrison Ford’s body of work is stout, while Shia LaBeouf is just a product of Disney.

Ford starred in not one, but two epic trilogies that helped catapult me into puberty–Star Wars and Indiana Jones (of course). He also did another little movie you might of heard of called The Fugitive. His presence on screen could captivate an army of ADD diagnosed children yipped up on cocaine. He could impregnate a woman (or man) with a subtle grin. Simply put, Ford wears the pants in any relationship. Shia LaBeouf on the other hand has a history of whoring himself out to massive audiences of children, staring in corporate gum-droppy kid’s shows for Disney. No leading man of mine is a mouseketeer.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

.

.

Reason #5
Short Round would make a better Indiana Jones than LaDouche

Short Round, the show stealer in Temple of Doom makes Shia look like She-Ra. My dead cat’s name is She-Ra. Dollars to donuts Short Round could rip LaBeouf’s beating heart out of his chest and laugh about it. No time for love Dr Jones!

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

.

.

Reason #6
Indiana is a ladies man, not a mangina

Harrison Ford can make girls wet by clipping his toe nails. True story. Ask Cary Fisher and I’ll bet she’ll plead the fifth due to a severe case of ‘can’t walk straight.’ Shia on the other hand has a chick’s name, 6 pubic hairs, and plays with transformers. Close the book on this one.
Our fingers are crossed that Shia’s “lead singer” is indeed stuffed between his legs this is not an actual cooter.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Reason #7
General Douchebaggery

Shai exhibits feminine characteristics in all areas of running, jumping, swimming, skiing, and breathing. It’s a sort of douche-aura he carries with him at all times. This is our appeal to George Lucas, please don’t make this stubby little poser the next Indy -or Mutt, I should say. You have a responsibility to the next generation of Indy lovers. Do you want them to tell their kids, “I remember when Indiana Jones Jr. got himself in a spot with some snakes and soiled his diapers… strait through.”

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

On a completely semi-related note, check out Shia’s co-star on Transformers (The Megan Fox) topless HERE

Comments (38)

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Darby Gunpowder:
Britney’s dad hit the lotto the day he implanted Mrs Spears with that rotten seed of his. But ask any lotto winner, money can’t buy happiness -but it can buy you an early retirement. Mr Spears has been “forced” to quit his job as a sweet caterer to care for other vegetables, his daughter. Homeboy will make $10,000 a month for being a dad. Even though he is her dad, he still gets paid to be a dad. Let’s review:
Britney is her dad’s daughter. He gets paid to be her dad. My dad does not not get paid to be my dad, nor do my brother or sisters pay my dad to be their dad. I just called all my friends and a few random people in the phonebook and they don’t pay their dads to be their dads. Some of the people I asked don’t have dads, but confirmed they would not pay them if they did. I hope my dad doesn’t start charging to be my dad. Maybe I should be a dad to supplement my income…Mom, stay out of this.

Comment (1)

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
In case you didn’t already know, Cameron Diaz is rolling sans hair these days. She’s bald as a baby’s ass. Apparently, Diaz has done this for her role in a new dramatic movie called Snooze Fest My Sister’s Keeper in which she tries her damnedest to bore us all to tears. And lets see, Diaz made to look ugly in a dramatic movie. Is this something I want to see?? Sure, why not?? And while I’m at it why don’t I pay a couple hundred grand for a Ferrari that just happens to share the same design as my Hyundai Elantra. Or maybe I’ll eat the most fattening meal ever that just happens to taste like a big bag of dog shit. No Diaz, we go to your movies to see you shake your ass in a string bikini with the hopes of catching a glimpse of your nipples. You don’t get to reinvent the wheel on why you’re famous.

Comment (0)

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Darby Gunpowder
While vacationing in Cabo, Jessica Simpson nearly had a heart attack when she could not find her nipple which is usually attached to her breast. Good thing I am a licensed areologist. Eureka! Roll your mouse over the above photos to prove my findings. If there are any other women who are having trouble locating their mammilla, please email me or spotlight the night sky with my calling card and I will be summoned.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Comments (2)

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
It’s official. In perhaps one of the most astonishing moves since Nixon resigned from office, Christian Bale has just signed on to play the heroic human leader John Connor in three (count em three) new Terminator movies. In fact filming has already begun on the first of the three movies entitled Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins. It is slated to be released May 22, 2009–Judgment Day (for me anyways). Victor Kubicek of the film company Halcyon, said about Bale he is “really an actor’s actor, so we’re very proud. Christian was our first choice and he’s a big fan of The Terminator, so we’re very lucky. But with Batman he’s already done the whole franchise thing, so we weren’t sure he’d respond.”

Apparently the script was love at first paycheck sight for Bale. As for Arnold, there is still no word yet on whether or not he will even play a role in the upcoming films. But the burning question still remains, do people still have internet porn in the future or have they had to resort to their imagination and cannibalism?

Don’t think about that too hard.

For more on Megan Fox topless. Why you ask?? I ask why not?

Comment (1)

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Kristen Bell’s ass says hello (Tuna)
The best parts about Gang Bang (Asylum)
Jenny McCarthy’s boobs (Stepfather)
Will Britney be hot once again (On205th)
Ashton says marrying Demi was completely ‘illogical’ (Stab)
Jessica Simpson is not as boring as we think (BedHead)
Jolie lezzing out in Cannes (DListed)

Comment (0)