Derober

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John:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren in LA at City Hall today. There was no fanfare… at all. People reports:

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds.

Their wedding sounds more like a trip to the DMV or possibly my anus. Keep in mind that the couple had broken up just weeks before Alba got pregnant because Warren couldn’t keep Mr. Bigglesworth in his pants. I guess drilling one of the most beautiful women on the planet just isn’t enough sometimes. Alba better keep that boy on a tight leash. Derober would like to wish the Jessica and Cash a happy marriage and a speedy divorce. I give the whole thing 7 months.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This just in, Jessica Biel may be engaged..and pregnant…..and addicted to pain killers and Nazi My Little Pony pictures. Alright, maybe I embellished a c-hair with the whole pain killer/my little pony forum. But the other two tit tid-bits may be true according to The Sun. The story goes that Justin Timberlake may have proposed to Biel because he found out that she was harboring a terrorist baby in her whom. The Sun report adds,

He will soon be proposing and has already started looking at potential wedding venues — or in his case, islands. The two have been dating since January last year and rumors are rife they may already be planning a family.

One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumors. They added: “Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica.”

Great. Just great. Now what am I going to do with this stack of nude photos of myself riding a My Little Pony?? I had everything riding on those photos attracting you into my arms.

Seriously, I sold my car to buy that life size My Little Pony doll. Jessica, you owe me.

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Darby Gunpowder:
America’s favorite Tranny performed on the Today Show this morning to the chagrin of anyone within earshot. I wasn’t there personally because I was sleeping…with a female…with female Mrs Potato head parts, but I did watch the video (see video after the jump). She sings Barracuda. It’s sounds like shit tastes I’m sure. The good news, is that the crowd was filled with mothers and children when she pretended to give her base player a blow job on stage. Fergie needs to take a page out of Myley Cyrus’s book and have a body-double do her entire performance to professionally recorded music and she would have avoided all this negative attention. Luckily John was there to tame the beast.
Continue Reading: Don’t let Fergie babysit your kids

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Is that Britney and Kevin’s love child, Sean Preston???

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John:
Rachel Leigh Cook is in Cannes this week doing bikini shoots on the beach. She looks like a nun on vacation. While the rest of the Cannes world is partying half-nude in chic designer bikinis, Leigh Cook poses is an interesting counterpoint. All women should rip a page out of Cook’s book. Cannes is not just for fun people anymore. Boring handicap people can come too! Yeeeaaaahhhh!

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