Derober

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Let me say the only drunk I know with superpowers is Bill Murray. In Hancock, Sony’s summer tent pole, Will Smith plays a hard-living superhero boozehound that saves lives but leaves far too much damage in his wake. Hancock is forced to reform himself because the LA municipal system is tired of cleaning up after him. The premise is quirky but a bit shaky. Join us as we explore the reasons this superhero movie could be the summer’s first super-flop.

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#1. Will Smith joined the cult of Scientology

I didn’t believe it at first (shock is always the first stage), but will Smith has joined Tom Cruise’s Messianic quest for alien supremacy. Together, Will and Tom will fight to bring brainwashing, extortion, and alien worship to its Xenu zenith.

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#2. Will Smith is no Christian Bale

I like my superheroes like I like my coffee, tall, dark, and in a black suit.

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#3. Poor signal strength

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#4. Hasn’t Will Smith has saved the world enough already

It started in ’96 when Randy Quaid flew an F-16 up a UFO’s ass and Will Smith got all the credit. After the second Men in Black saving the world was old hat. By my count Will has saved the world from annihilation six times already. Is Hancock some sick way of handicapping Will? Did Sony figure he’d already saved the world with guns and science, why a bottle of Canadian Club and some B.O.?

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#5. Smith made the set of Hancock into a mobile Scientology promotion center

Smith set up a Scientology tent on the set of Hancock for curious cast members who wanted to put intergalactic black holes in their wallets. Also, On film sets it’s traditional for stars to give ‘wrap gifts’ to the crew. Smith’s gift when Hancock wrapped was a card good for a free ‘personality test’ at the local Church of Scientology. The personality tests are already free by the way. Being an outspoken member of Scientology does for box office earnings what lightning did for the Hindenburg. Proof here.

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#6. The Poster Really Sucks

Will’s lips look like a 70 year-old woman’s _________________ (rhymes with shmeshmyna)

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#7. Charlize Theron does not get naked

You know what would have made The Italian Job, Aeon Flux, Monster and North Country all just a little bit better? Charlize Theron nude. OK maybe not Monster (graphic pic here), but you get my point. I gotta believe a sex scene between Smith and Theron would cause me to buy a ticket to Kung Fu Panda and sneak into Hancock. Sony decided to leak that Smith and Theron have some “steamy” scenes to amp up the sex factor of Hancock. Sadly, Theron doesn’t deliver the goodies. Telling me a scene is ‘steamy’ without nudity is like finding out my Hot Pocket is still frozen in the center.

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In case you were expecting to see Charlize Theron nude, click HERE for a quick Keeley Hazel nude fix.

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#8. I Am Legend was horrible. Hancock is sure to follow suit

I was halfway through watching Legend when I started pondering the meaning of life. By the time it was over I was clipping my toenails. Hancock looks like somebody took all Smith’s hero characters and stuck them in the microwave, the result was something that used to taste really good but now has a rubbery clown shoe aftertaste.

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#9. Super Hero saturation

Dear Hollywood,
We get it. Super heroes are fun and bring out the kid in all of us. But so do Methamphetamines and you don’t see me lining up to buy those. My point is, enough already. Please give America’s already dumbed-down brains a rest. There are plenty of super heroes out there, but lately it seems as though Hollywood is scraping the bottom of the super-barrel to come up with new ones. What’s next -Sudoku Man? Carbon-Footprint Man? Borack Obama? Now wonder the middle east hates us, we make movies about homeless, scientologist alcoholics who fight crime.

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#10. Will Smith is not Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp is the only guy who can pull of the big-sunglasses-on-movie-poster look. Nice try Will. But seriously to compare Depp and Smith as actors is a waste of both our times. So lets compare them in a physical challenge: I am going to imagine Johnny Depp and Will Smith in a timed Navy Seal obstacle course in my mind’s eye. Hold. . . Depp won.

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In unrelated news: I-Am-Bored.com is the best site on earth.