Derober

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Let me say the only drunk I know with superpowers is Bill Murray. In Hancock, Sony’s summer tent pole, Will Smith plays a hard-living superhero boozehound that saves lives but leaves far too much damage in his wake. Hancock is forced to reform himself because the LA municipal system is tired of cleaning up after him. The premise is quirky but a bit shaky. Join us as we explore the reasons this superhero movie could be the summer’s first super-flop.

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#1. Will Smith joined the cult of Scientology

I didn’t believe it at first (shock is always the first stage), but will Smith has joined Tom Cruise’s Messianic quest for alien supremacy. Together, Will and Tom will fight to bring brainwashing, extortion, and alien worship to its Xenu zenith.

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#2. Will Smith is no Christian Bale

I like my superheroes like I like my coffee, tall, dark, and in a black suit.

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#3. Poor signal strength

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#4. Hasn’t Will Smith has saved the world enough already

It started in ‘96 when Randy Quaid flew an F-16 up a UFO’s ass and Will Smith got all the credit. After the second Men in Black saving the world was old hat. By my count Will has saved the world from annihilation six times already. Is Hancock some sick way of handicapping Will? Did Sony figure he’d already saved the world with guns and science, why a bottle of Canadian Club and some B.O.?

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#5. Smith made the set of Hancock into a mobile Scientology promotion center

Smith set up a Scientology tent on the set of Hancock for curious cast members who wanted to put intergalactic black holes in their wallets. Also, On film sets it’s traditional for stars to give ‘wrap gifts’ to the crew. Smith’s gift when Hancock wrapped was a card good for a free ‘personality test’ at the local Church of Scientology. The personality tests are already free by the way. Being an outspoken member of Scientology does for box office earnings what lightning did for the Hindenburg. Proof here.

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. Continue Reading: 10 reasons Hancock will probably suck

Comments (5)

Darby Gunpowder:

Q. What do you get when you mix Catherine Zeta-Jones, Keira Knightly, Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron together in a giant, over-sized blender? (other than a 5-some from heaven)

A. Quadruple homicide.
Watch the video for ensuing bloodbath!!!

Comment (0)

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If you haven’t met ‘Tyrone the tit loving T-Rex,’ than let this be a coming out party. He’s profiled all the greatest celebrity racks. He viewed Jean Harlow’s mammories during the depression. He coped with Marilyn’s juggs during the second great world war. And did I mention ladies, he’s a Vietnam Vet himself? Yes, Tyrone gets the skinny on any famous set of hose-hounds and we’re lucky to have him as our man dinosaur in the field on everything breasts. In this shot he is getting the scoop on Ashlee Simpson’s boobs.

Bob ‘The Bitch’–”Tyrone, anything fun or unusual to report on Ashlee’s fun-bags?”
Tyrone–”SHE GOT RACK”
Bob ‘The Bitch’: ” Well, you heard it hear folks, Ashlee Simpson sadly has something worth paying attention to. Back to you in the studio John and Leo.

Comment (1)

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John:
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen want you to think that they are just like you and I. They go out and eat french fries and fried chicken sandwiches, maybe suck down a chocolate shake. I noticed that none of the food in front of them is, well, eaten.
Mary-Kate and Ashley were never taught to eat their food. Instead, Mary-Kate gets down really close and stares at it. I once head her tell a chicken mcnugget, “mcnugget, if i wanted to eat you, would I put you in my breathing hole?” The mcnugget remained unresponsive while Mary-Kate jammed it into her ear.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Attention all fame-seeking, unimportant women: Nicole Richie will make you famous.
Seeing that Nicole Richie has never done anything to deserve a weency bite from fame, she is the perfect person to launch your broke ass into stardom. It’s science. According to Perez Hilton,

Simple Life ’star’ Nicole Richie is pitching a reality show to the TV nets.
And, get this…the show revolves around the search for the next Nicole Richie.
According to someone who’s been pitched the idea, the ‘reality’ show would take seven girls from across the U.S. and test their ability to achieve insta-fame, a la Richie style!
Nicole and a panel of judges would then whittle down the competition in preparation for the live finale.
The winner would receive her own reality show.

Get out your nuclear sleeping bags and brace yourself for the second coming. The end is near, and can be seen Tuesdays at 7/8 CT, only on E!

Comments (2)