Derober

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Barack Obama:

“I will be the Democratic nominee for president.”

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Darby Gunpowder:
Prive nightclub in Las Vegas named Kevin Federline, “Father of the Year” -finally. R-Kelly came in a close second in the voting, but barely lost by a pre-pubic hair. Prive obviously chose Kevin as a whorific publicity stunt so sweet gossip sites like Derober would write about it. I guess it kinda worked…except what they didn’t anticipate was the bad press they would get if I wrote about the time my friend was ruffied at their club, gang-banged by their security staff and murdered. OK, none of that ever happened. See ya’ll there! Pimp Juice on me!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well it looks like Hillary isn’t wearing the pants after all. According to an Associated Press report, Barack Obama has finally won the democratic nomination by securing the necessary number of delegates. That means the war of special Olympic proportion is at an end. However, Hillary still hasn’t conceded. When reporters visited her camp, which just so happens to be her back yard, they asked if she was preparing to officially announce her concession. Hillary responded quickly by flinging her own poo at the reporters. She then proceeded to jump on her three wheelie bike where she peddled around the yard shouting profanities and flinging various glow in the dark tampons at the scared spectators. So I guess technically that’s a ‘no comment’ from Hillary’s camp at this juncture.

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John:
Sometimes as a blogger you come across a picture and just smile really big. Here, John Mayer is lobbing the world’s biggest soft ball right into my wheelhouse. What is he thinking? Did Johnny boy put a racing number on his car? Racing stripes are subtle and classy I think. The only way this car could get any worse is if he put a strobe light and a fog horn on it.

John is in Beverly Hills here on his way to meet Jennifer Aniston for lunch. We’re told he ordered the roasted lamb on a toasted raisin brioche with a side of peppermint douche.

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John:
Just when I thought I couldn’t love Megan Fox any more, she tells Hollyscoop:

“I have the libido of a teenage boy. I’d rather have sex all the time than leave the house.”

So that happened. And then I went out and purchased some new stalker equipment right after. I’ve never stalked anyone before and I’ve already started second guessing my purchase of a rope ladder, 3D glasses, and Cool Ranch Doritos. If there are any real stalkers out there, please email me at blogderober@gmail.com with suggestions. Thanks!

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