Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ll be blunt, this rack comes from an unholy place. Unzipping Christina Aguilera’s jacket is like an amusement park for grown men. It may have just taken the lead as my favorite tit-olympic sport beating out such favorites as tit-slaloming, the tit-half pipe and of course..tit-skydiving. Apparently X-tina recently went on Larry King to discuss her involvement in Rock The Vote but all I heard was, “Bob, please take your face and rock out a drum solo on my enormous tits.” To which I promptly replied to by throwing on a cape and rushing out the door. It’s a hard knocker life but somebody has to do it.

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John:
The show is called Britain’s Missing Top Model. Eight young women, all of whom are missing some sort of extremity, compete to win a spread in a ‘top fashion magazine.’ I’d imagine the competition will involve something outrageously exploitative in the running, jumping, swimming, skiing category. The only way this could be more reprehensible is if the losers gets eaten by a three-legged tiger named Tripod.

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John:
Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is denying reports that he exchanges e-mails with Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett had told Politico that the senator responds to her personal e-mails and in one instance he referred to questions at a political debate as “silly.”
There was one small thing missing from Scarlett’s statement…the truth. Obama addressed Lying McLiarson’s comments in the Washington Post:

Speaking to reporters aboard his campaign plane, Obama said the actress doesn’t have his personal email address. “She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me,” Obama said, referring to his 26-year-old personal assistant, Reggie Love. “I write saying, ‘thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,’ and suddenly we have this email relationship.”

As punishment, Derober is mingling candid photos of Scarlett leaving a grocery store with regrettable sexy photos from Scarlett’s sordid past. This could have been avoided, Scarlett, if you’d just told the truth.

TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS: I’m going to ride a unicorn today!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Combine two of the greatest things on earth, put them in a bottle and you’ve got something sweeter than you. No, I’m not talking about cotton candy laced with acid I’m referring to the blossoming sport of tit-skydiving. Lets see, a seemingly endless free-fall out of a plane, but instead of plummeting uneventfully to the ground (boring as being sober at the zoo) you land gracefully in a scrumptioulecent pair of juggs. In this case, I chose Hills star (hehe) Audrina Partridge’s heavenly boobs as my landing pad. You are probably wondering if I noticed whether her lady cannons were fake or not while I was down there; however, when your knee deep in nipple you don’t stop to look at the siding. You just make a stupid face and suck til the utter runs dry.

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