Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I once asked my Great Grand Pappy Winston (God rest his soul) why he thought a great pair of tits were better than all seven of the wonders of the world. He looked down at me with a dry grimace, moonshine trickling out of his mouth, and in a low crackly voice he explained, “because a great pair of tits is the only treasure that you never get tired of seeing, boy.”

It’s a sound point. Boobs are like the gateway to my childhood. The only thing that can bring me the same sense of euphoria I felt as a kid when I planted bottle rockets in fishes’ mouths and watched them explode all the while toting a tall bowl of cotton candy by my side; heaven I tell you. That’s what Lucy Pinder and Sophie Howard’s juggs are to me, a slice of my youth. But that’s just one man’s opinion. Anyways, these British babes are posing for the pages of Nuts Magazine and I am now sold on the country.

Random Important Addition: The 50 Hottest Chicks (barely) dressed as Wonder Woman has arrived here!

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Darby Gunpowder:
Bob ‘The Bitch’ just interrupted my Wii Fit yoga session to tell me breaking news: Jamie Lynn Spears delivered a human baby! My response,

Good story Bob. Guess what, I don’t give a shit. Now go get your shine box!!!

That was 4 hours ago. As you can see, the world is still spinning on its axis and no one will give a shit about Jamie or her baby by supper time today. For the 2 readers who do care about the details:

Gender: Girl
Name: Maddie Briann
Weight: 7 lbs, 11 oz
Health Status: 8 fingers, 10 toes, addicted to cigarettes
Location: Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss.
Daddy: probably Casey Aldridge
Percent White Trash: 28%

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John:
Fine, I have no idea if the water birth part is true but Jamie-Lynn Spears did birth to a baby girl this morning named Maddie Briann. We wish Jamie-Lynn the best of luck. Britney was spotted at LAX yesterday catching a commercial flight to see the new baby in Mississippi. Britney gave Jamie-Lynn the helpful parenting manual she made while pregnant with Sean Preston. Derober has obtained exclusive pictures of lil’ Maddie with a time machine we purchased from Wal-Mart. Enjoy.

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Darby Gunpowder:
My dream has come true: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag endorse Ed Hardy. Why is this a dream come true you ask??
Ed Hardy is the most horrific clothing line ever regurgitated by mankind (I have been to jail 17 times for hulking loogies on 17 separate strangers on the street wearing urban Hardy-clown suits). And Heidi Mantag and Spencer Pratt are the most horrific human beings ever regurgitated by their shameful parents. My logic: since everyone, including David Letterman, hates Prattag, everyone will now boycott Ed hardy. The combination is equivalent to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

Speaking of guns, Pratt and Montag are collecting firearms. According to thesuperficial,

“The couple visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif., on June 7 and spent more than $10,000 on guns to arm themselves. They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. “Spencer wants to be prepared for anything.”

PS. If you are wearing Ed Hardy while reading this, you are banned from Derober.com for life. Please leave now and go hang out with Spencer Pratt. Odds are, you’ll both be shot by accidental discharge.

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