Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
OK, that’s a lie. Drinking and driving isn’t safe at all. You know the dangerous thing about drinking and driving isn’t that the driver is drunk; it’s dangerous because the drunk driver happens to be…driving. Driving a whole car none the less. In Shia Labeouf’s case, a whole pick up truck. But in the spirit of being a huge celebrity Shia went big by flipping his Ford F-150 several times after being t-boned by some sober driver who was probably like WTF man! According to TMZ,

A witness tells us he heard a loud crash around 245 AM, then the sound of Shia’s truck rolling over. The witness said he heard what he thought was a girl screaming “F**k,” among other things. When he got down to scene, Shia was already out of the car and the female riding with him was crawling out of the drivers side of the truck. The truck was smoking, making noise and still running. The driver of the other car was also out of the car by this time. Shia and the female stood over by a wall while people were checking to see if everyone was okay. The witness said unlike most of the wrecks he’s seen in the dangerous intersection, no one was cursing or yelling at each other. There were no breathalyzers or tests done at the scene.

Oh and I failed to mention that Shia was T-boned because he pulled in front of the poor guy while making a left turn (smart). Shia’s felony DUI charges have already been reduced to a misdomeaner, however, the cops all stood in line to shake Shia’s hand when they found all the dead clowns in the back of his pick up truck. When asked to comment on the pile of dead clowns Shia simply said, “just doing my part as a decent citizen. And if you’re curious, yes, I will be selling the clown remains later today on e-bay.”

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Darby Gunpowder:
Clownshoes Bob. Simply clownshoes. I just hope the police officers didn’t accidentally take Shia to the woman’s jail for his girly name; it’d be a shame to miss out on meeting all those West Hollywood Jamaican Trannies that were arrested earlier in the evening for selling their weird bodies for sex.

Update: During an appearance on David Letterman’s the “Late Show,” LaBeouf joked about the pharmacy incident: “Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it’s just as bad.”
Well put dickhead…