Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Looking at Amy Winehouse’s maim of pubic hair is like being subjected to Chinese water torture while the movie Pearl Harbor plays on a loop in the background. It looks like an army of spiders are on the verge of leaping out of her vagina. This pubetastic stunt coming just moments after Amy gave an arm bar to the face of her own guard. Which makes me think why the f$ck do we put up with Amy?? I mean really, it’s like being in grade school and being told by the fat girl with braces that I’m not invited to her birthday party. But I must admit, the spectacle that is Amy Winehouse is always good for a laugh.

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READ BEFORE LISTENING!!
True back-story on the phone message below:
A girl named Olga was out with her friends in the Marina district of San Francisco (known for being a popular hang out for douches), and she talked to this guy named Dmitri for all of two minutes. She gave him her card and said “give me a call.” Below is the recorded messages he left along with some visuals some “clever” dude added. Listen to the whole thing, it will blow your mind that this guy actually breathes the same air as you do.

Darby’s favorite quotes:

“Women approach me 6-7 times a day.”
“You’re friends were very jealous.”
“You call me as soon as you have the courage to.”
“Believe it or not, I’m a complete catch.”
“You should actually look that up, passive aggressive.”
“If you’re on any medication for anxiety or depression, I’m not interested.”

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John:
Here at Derober, we’ve been riding L.C. pretty hard (and not in a good way). But it looks like we might be eating clown shoes on this one. Recently, L.C. was very nice to a special autograph-seeker. Thanks for the story, Taylor

I work out at Lauren’s gym in Hollywood. She has a personal trainer there (whose sooo hot btw). Lauren keeps to herself mostly. I left the gym a couple days ago and there was a boy outside in a wheelchair with his mom holding an US Magazine. He was probably only 8 years old. The issue was the one with Lauren, Audrina, and Whitney in pink dresses. I knew Lauren was finished working out because I saw her in the locker room and I just had to stick around to see what she’d do.
Lauren Walked out and the boy’s mom got her attention by saying, “Miss Conrad, this is my son, Eddie. He’d love your autograph. Lauren stopped and went up to Eddie and gave him a big hug! Eddie smiled and said, “Hi L.C.! ”
Lauren was really nice to Eddie. She talked to him about school. I guess Eddie is in second grade. Anyway, Lauren autographed the US Magazine. She said, “I can’t believe I’m autographing an US!” Then Lauren signed Whitney and Audrina’s name as well. She said “I’m authorized to sign for the girls in absentia” whatever that means. Then she gave Eddie her bracelet which was made from old typewriter keys and said, “Here’s something to remember me by, Eddie”. The mom even cried.
I have to say, I was pretty impressed with how Lauren handled herself. I’m sure she made that little boy’s day. She even made mine in a weird little way.

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Darby Gunpowder:
I have been saying it for years: Britney Spears doesn’t need professional, psychological help, she just needs a shock collar. Boom Done. Finally someone had the smarts to cage this beast -I just hope that someone has a jumpy trigger finger. Reputable sources leaked the new shock therapy system they are using on Brit:

• Britney picks up a pair of hair trimmers = 8 shocks
• Britney speaks in a British voice = 2 shocks
• Britney microwaves a Hungry Man TV dinner = 3 shocks
• Britney takes the elevator instead of the stairs = 1 shock
• Britney dates a paparazzi terrorist = 10 shocks
• Britney shows crotch = 6 shocks (if shaved) 30 shocks (not shaved)
• Britney raises her kids = 0 shocks because she can’t anyway

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times, after cheating on your wife with ANY other woman always always cancel their credit cards the following morning. I call this tactic the ‘fire then expire rule of two’. Alex Rodriguez needs to take a page from my grand pappy Winston’s book of bad beats and never get married again.
Apparently after discovering that Madonna had allegedly knocked boots with her man, Cynthia Rodruguez took action by blowing a HUNDRED GRAND of his money (probably on makeup and pop-rocks) and cozied up to Lenny Kravits–all BEFORE filing for divorce. And I must admit I have no sympathy for you A-Rod.
Marriage Alex? What’s in it for you? So you can point to some dame and say, “That’s my wife, public. I am a real and descent human, so embrace me for all my semblances to you.” Ra ra, how bout you tote a big-boy stick and man up to the fact that you will never be anything like the average man. You’re a rock star. A gozillionaire. Why should you give a damn about what the public thinks. If I were you I’d take baths every day with scores of prostitutes in a tub full of money and pure pogs in my glass enclosed porch. That way the public could see just inhumane and indecent I really am. After all, if you don’t care about anyone else’s opinion then you’ve achieved something only a rare few have–God-like status. I wish you all the best in the future, A-Tard.

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