Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
The Roman Empire, The Nazi Regime, The Soviet Union, Ricky Martin, Starbucks. What do they all have in common? They were all on top of the world at one point, and they all imploded and fell. Starbucks, which has doubled in size since 2004, taking up every corner in the world, is closing 600 stores and 12,000 jobs. Profits are down and the luster is gone. I can’t stop smiling, is that bad? I should feel bad for the employees who lost their jobs, but I don’t because it was their choice in the first place; the same way I don’t feel bad for anyone who commits suicide -they take the easy way out.
The real reason they are shutting stores down is because their coffee sucks ass. Complete dog shit.

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John:
New photos of Lindsay’s possible half-sister have surfaced. The NY Daily News reports,

Photos of the 13-year-old cutie who could be Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister have finally been released. And the resemblance is striking. From her freckles to her smile, Ashley Kaufmann certainly looks like she could be a member of the Lohan family. Michael Lohan has revealed he took a DNA test to find out whether he is the father of the Montana teen.

Derober would like to take a break from reporting on pressing global issues to address this matter. If you want to find out once and for all if this girl is Michael’s bastard, just take a bottle of Bacardi 151 and wave it under Ashley’s nose. If Ashley tries to eat the bottle then she’s a Lohan. There, I just saved Michael like $75.

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John:
Miranda Kerr poses topless for this month’s Men’s Style Magazine. To me, Miranda’s boobs are like an epic Animal drum solo… so rockin’ it doesn’t make sense.

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(Derober supports all our gay homies!)
Pete Wentz isn’t gay, he’s a douche (DListed)
Enrique Iglesias ehhhh…he might be gay (yepyep)
Is boob punching porn? (Asylum)
Whose hotter, Rosario Dawson or Liv Tyler NSFW (Double Viking)
Terminator’s new Sarah Connor kind of sucks (BedHead)
There’s hot and then there’s Leann Tweeden (Uncoached)
Is Madonna effin’ A-Rod (Warship)
Austria vs. Germany in…topless? (Flatusyahu)
How to be a douche bag (DonChavez)
A sexy girl eating a hamburger (Brahsome)
Mariah Carey’s shows off the puppies (On205th)

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Why oh why can’t I just see Lucy Pinder’s tits soaked in milk and shimmering in the sun–JUST ONCE! Really, is it so much to ask?

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