Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
The moral fabric of this country just unraveled a c-hair; Lifestyle condoms asked Miley Cyrus to be their spokesperson for $1 million clams. She’s still consulting with her stuffed animals, Malibu Barbie and Mickey Mouse doll whether to take the job or not. I guess their is an epidemic of young teenagers riding the boner roller coaster these days -I wouldn’t even pretend to know about this, but if the NYDaily News says so, then it’s true,

“Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to disuss the subject of sex,” said Carol Carrozza, VP of marketing for LifeStyles. “With recent reports showing that one out of four teenage girls has an STD and the high level of teenage pregnancy, we believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set - and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America.”
A rep for Cyrus says the teen has not been approached with the company’s offer yet, but that it is something her and her camp would never consider.

Update: Walt Disney just turned over in his grave.

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But What Were the Signs Thinking?

John:
My friend from On205th and he sent me these pictures of Jessica Alba’s new rack today. I’m not a scientist but they look bigger than before. Alba always looks like a cold-blooded killer in public but I think that’s what I like about her. The rush of asking for an autograph knowing I could get my throat cut is the perfect storm of danger and sexy.

UPDATE: A scientist called and told me Jessica’s tits are bigger than before. Thanks, scientist!

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New Wolverine film footage leaked (DoubleViking)
Hottest weather girl in the world (Asylum)
OK, so the hooker isn’t dead but she got a reality show (Gibbs)
Kim Kardashian lets her boobs hang out for McDonalds? (DirtyRotten)
Former USC cheerleader holding a penis beer (BustedCoverage)
Some hot girl in her underwear. Yeah, you like it (BrightBlack)
The sexiest Soprano yet (HottestMySpace)
Why it’s good to have a female roommate (DonChavez)
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner do not look happy (Warship)
That girl who used to date Renaldo is topless again (On205th)
I found this new site. It’s well done. Cameron Diaz gets retouched (Game)

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
OK, that’s a lie. Drinking and driving isn’t safe at all. You know the dangerous thing about drinking and driving isn’t that the driver is drunk; it’s dangerous because the drunk driver happens to be…driving. Driving a whole car none the less. In Shia Labeouf’s case, a whole pick up truck. But in the spirit of being a huge celebrity Shia went big by flipping his Ford F-150 several times after being t-boned by some sober driver who was probably like WTF man! According to TMZ,

A witness tells us he heard a loud crash around 245 AM, then the sound of Shia’s truck rolling over. The witness said he heard what he thought was a girl screaming “F**k,” among other things. When he got down to scene, Shia was already out of the car and the female riding with him was crawling out of the drivers side of the truck. The truck was smoking, making noise and still running. The driver of the other car was also out of the car by this time. Shia and the female stood over by a wall while people were checking to see if everyone was okay. The witness said unlike most of the wrecks he’s seen in the dangerous intersection, no one was cursing or yelling at each other. There were no breathalyzers or tests done at the scene.

Oh and I failed to mention that Shia was T-boned because he pulled in front of the poor guy while making a left turn (smart). Shia’s felony DUI charges have already been reduced to a misdomeaner, however, the cops all stood in line to shake Shia’s hand when they found all the dead clowns in the back of his pick up truck. When asked to comment on the pile of dead clowns Shia simply said, “just doing my part as a decent citizen. And if you’re curious, yes, I will be selling the clown remains later today on e-bay.”

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Darby Gunpowder:
Clownshoes Bob. Simply clownshoes. I just hope the police officers didn’t accidentally take Shia to the woman’s jail for his girly name; it’d be a shame to miss out on meeting all those West Hollywood Jamaican Trannies that were arrested earlier in the evening for selling their weird bodies for sex.

Update: During an appearance on David Letterman’s the “Late Show,” LaBeouf joked about the pharmacy incident: “Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it’s just as bad.”
Well put dickhead…

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John:
Apparently, Blake Lively thinks Gossip Girl is bigger than it is. She does her best here to imitate a real star, “like I saw on the TV once.” It’s an epic fail. I’ll say this, Blake does a great job hiding her face. And that’s really what’s important.

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