Derober

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John:
Marissa Tomei plays a stripper in her latest film, The Wrestler. She’s 43 years old and she looks like a rock star. If you asked the average 43 year-old to be a stipper, she’d probably take a chicken wing out of her mouth and tell you to go f*ck yourself. Marissa, I raise a glass to you and your personal trainer. Well done.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Finally a touching story I can relate to. Tila Tequila will not return for a third season of Shot of Love because she doesn’t want to jinx her current romance with girlfriend Courtenay Semel. Likewise, I broke up with my girlfriend last week because I didn’t want to jinx what a good thing I have going on with my hand. I mean you have no idea what we’ve been through. We’re like Thelma and Louise. If you go, I go, bitch. If you go I go.

Update-Ok, so I was just reminded by John that I haven’t dated a girl in well over a year. Thanks for that cold pill, ass.

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John:
Lynne Spears has written a book. The book was supposed to be a parenting guide but critics are saying that it is nothing more than a tell-all; a sad exploitation of her daughters’ lives. First of all, getting parenting advice from Lynne Spears would be like getting health advice from a grenade so I guess the book-sploitation is a good change of pace. Thanks for the literary work of genius, Lynne. I’ll be sure to buy your book and wrap up some fish with it.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Move over Angelina Jolie, you have been replaced by UK receptionist, Alison Carroll for the role of Lara Croft. Although Carroll has not been awarded the movie role (yet), she has been hired to promote the Tomb Raider video game, Underworld. I approve of this decision.
The Telegraph reports:

“Carroll will star in TV adverts and travel the world to meet Lara Croft fans.
Winning the role of Lara means Carroll can quit her job as a receptionist.
“This is a fantastic opportunity and I am really looking forward to embracing Lara’s world,” she said. “I still can’t believe they chose me to take on the role of Lara - and I can’t wait to get stuck in. This is my dream job. I have always wanted to be an action hero and hope to be able to use my gymnastic ability to perform all of Lara’s stunts.”

I apologize for Carroll’s thick British accent in the above quote, let me translate for you:

“My huge boobs and ability to put both legs behind my head and pat my ass like a bongo drum will sell video games to horny, virgin gamers. I hope they let me keep my costume.”

Update: It’s official, the Lara Croft costume that Alison Carroll will wear on tour (as seen above) does indeed look like a hot steamy mess.

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