Derober

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~ What actually happened…~

John:
Can I get a catfight with a side of nipple-slip? Yes, I can! The story goes that Lily Allen was leaving the Groucho Club in London when a French passerby started harassing Lily for no reason. The woman repeatedly called Lily “an asshole” until Lily lost her shiz and started throwing punches. Sadly, Lily was too drunk to land a punch and the whole thing ended up looking exactly how two girls fight…pathetically.

I like Lily. She’s a real spark plug. She walks around all day with her chest out, smoking a cigarette, and cursing like a sailor. She’s just like a man only with fatter ankles.

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Darby Gunpowder:
When my buddy Ed first gushed about the hottest Olympic athlete ever, Paraguay’s Leryn Franco, I was hesitant at first, but when I saw her, I conceded that his taste in women had finally matured. My second thought was, this bitch would rip my heart out. Literally. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the giant javelin she wields, maybe it’s the steely look in her eyes. Either way, it’s sexy as hell. If I were on death row, I would choose death by Leryn Franco please. On top of representing Paraguay in the javalin toss, homegirl was runner-up in the Miss Paraguay competition in 2006 and also in the Miss Bikini Universe pageant the same year. That’s almost as impressive as John taking home the gold in the Special Olympics for fastest drool wipe.

Make sure to check out the high-res photos of Leryn below -they will not disappoint.

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Continue Reading: What’s better than winning a gold at the Special Olympics?

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John:
Hayden Panettier attended The Whaleman Foundation benefit held at Eva Longoria’s Beso restaurant in LA on Monday (photos below). The Whaleman Foundation is an oceanic research, conservation, and production organization dedicated to preserving and protecting dolphins, whales, and their ocean habitat.
These creatures must be nurtured and cared for or else their meat will not be tender enough to eat.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Just look at how miserable a human being Nicole Scherzinger looks like on her private boat. She makes the same cringe with her face that my dog makes when he scoots his shitty ass across the carpet. She’s looks like the kind of girl that if you dated she would give you the cold shoulder all day until she thought of something for you to do for her.

“Oh Nicole…you need another pair of Dior sunglasses..right…right now? But I just got you a pair..I….but…oh, they weren’t the right tint of champagne color. Ok, babe. I’ll get right on it. In the meantime would you mind kindly going and F#CKING YOURSELF!”

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