Derober

Hahahahahahaha………

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Now few know this about me but despite my general loathing of the world, coupled with my passion for gratuitous explosions, I’m actually a sucker for a beautiful shotgun wedding. I don’t really understand it myself but I think it’s similar to the feeling the wicked witch of the west had for those little monkeys sporting top hats. I mean there just so damn cute, how can you hate? Anyways, over the weekend Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds wed in a private ceremony in Canada. The People reports

Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.
This is the first marriage for both. The couple had announced their engagement in May.

I am sorry I need a moment here…I promised myself..I wouldn’t..cryyy. Ahhh, DAMN THOSE ADORABLE MONKEYS! Damn them to hell. In the words of Socrates, “I want to know what love is…and I want those top-hat wearing monkeys to show me.” Words seared into my soul, indeed.

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John:
Audrina Partridge and her sister, Dozer, went to the MGM Grand to be almost famous over the weekend. Her sister’s name isn’t really Dozer. I just call it like I see it. Audrina is going to have to come up with a new gimmick soon to get our attention. I’m over here giving her a face-boob transplant just to spice things up ’cause the bikini thing is startin’ to wear thin. Did somebody say Playboy?

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Darby Gunpowder:
King cougar, Heather Locklear was arrested over the weekend for driving under the influence…but no alcohol was involved. The Melrose Place star seemed to have taken a few too many uppers, downers, jumpers, squeakers and Flinstones vitamins before deciding to join other motorists for a Sunday drive. Judging by the mugshot, home-girl lost a bet at a party and had to take 13 shots of 5-hour energy. Instead of jail she was probably taken to the LA Zoo and locked up with the monkeys where she could burn off some energy by dodging projectile shit. According the NYPost.com:

“Locklear, 47, was booked for suspicion of driving, while high on prescription drugs on Saturday before she made bail out of the Santa Barbara County Jail at about 11:30 p.m., authorities said.

The Santa Barbara County Sheriff released a mug shot of the fried actress, with running mascara and dark roots showing through her bleached blonde hair.

The actress was in the filthy rich community of Montecito at about 4:30 p.m., when she caught the attention of a concerned driver, cops said.

“She [Locklear] was observed by a citizen pulling out of a parking lot and the woman [witness] thought she [Locklear] was driving really erratically,” CHP spokesman Tom Marhsall said.

“She [the witness] didn’t know who she [the driver] was.”

The witness called 911 after spotting Locklear stopping and getting out her car several times within a few minutes, according to cops.

When an officer arrived, Locklear’s car was parked, blocking a lane of Highway 192, Marshall said.

Locklear passed tests to show she wasn’t drunk, but cops figured out she was impaired on an undisclosed prescription drug, officials said.

A rep for Locklear could not be immediately reached for comment today.

Ventura County paramedics rushed to Locklear’s home in March after the shrink called cops, fearing the actress could be despondent.

She was OK that day, but in April she checked into an Arizona psychological treatment facility for depression and anxiety.

Friends have said Locklear has been down in the dumps since her 11-year marriage to rocker Richie Sambora fell apart at the end of 2005.”

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Asian wack-job artist Jonathan Yeo created the above portrait of Paris Hilton using nothing but old porn magazines. My only question is did the pages stick together before the portrait’s creation? ZINGER! But seriously, how appropriate. Paris Hilton immortalized through the pages of porn. It only seems fitting. Now in case anyone wants to know why the jerk-off choose to make this piece of sh#t, FOX reports,

He got the idea for the collages following the cancellation of a commission by the White House to paint Bush in 2004. He made the portrait, anyway, but in the form of a collage using pieces of pornographic magazines.
Barrett said posters of the Hilton portrait, titled “Paris, 2008,” will be sold for $20 each at the gallery.
She said Yeo was offering Hilton proceeds from the sale of the posters as a “lighthearted” gesture because the hotel heiress has said she didn’t receive any money from the notorious 2004 sex video that starred her and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon.

Everyone get that??? Good. No go outside and have fun. Live…live for me, God damnit…

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