Marisa Miller -vs- Heidi Klum: A Battle of the Titans

The old guard verse the new guard: Marisa Miller and Heidi Klum. Both will go down in history as two of the hottest, most perfect women to ever walk the earth. But, who’s hotter? Who’s the 11 and who’s the 10.5? Today we will crown the winner based on a concrete facts and mostly subjective bullshit. Let the games begin..

Who has graced the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover more times?

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Marisa Miller SI Covers:
1 Cover shot and 7 appearances

Heidi Klum SI Covers:
1.15 Cover shots and 7 appearances

Although each goddess was featured on one Si Swimsuit cover each, Heidi Klum weaseled her way onto 2 covers with a tiny thumbnail photo. Ironically, the photo is on Marisa Miller’s cover!

Verdict: The win goes to Heidi on a technicality. If we were judging by sexiness, it would be a landslide victory for Marisa who is wearing skimpy bikini bottoms with no top while Heidi is wearing an F’ing one piece. Really Heidi? A one piece?!?!?

Who sports the topless w/unbuttoned jacket look better?

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Klum: While composed, didn’t take enough risks here.
Miller: Was once quoted as saying “If you’re not willing to have your nipples photoshopped out, your not giving it 110%

Verdict: Miller by a nipple.

Who has the “better half”?

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Heidi Klum shocked the world when she married Seal in 2005. My jaw is still on the floor. Seal battled the skin condition, discoid lupus as a kid which is why his face is, uh, ehem, how it is. Heidi is obviously battling blindness as an adult. The couple can attribute their happiness to the invention of “The Clapper” -although it does make for somewhat of a strobe light effect when they are making sexy time.

Marisa Miller is married to some douchebag who calls himself Griffin Guess. The music producer, clownshoe supplier, and (obviously) love potion inventor married Marisa Miller in 2006. Since then, douchebags everywhere were given a false sense of hope. See for yourself at hotchickswithdouchebags.com

Verdict: Tie -they both lose for marrying duds.

Who wears a uniform better?

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Miller was unable to see how badly this situation called for daisy dukes. At the last second she took the lazy way out and went with jeans.

Verdict: Klum and Ferrell. Together they are a sexual superconductor.

Who dominates the runway?

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Both phillies made our guest judges weak in the knees and damp in their pants in the runway portion of the contest.

Verdict: Tie

Who rocks the body paint better?

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I don’t know how they do things in Germany, but over her in ‘merica we flaunt it if we’ve got it.

Verdict: Marisa dominated this competition for not being such a pussy. Skin to win Heidi, you know better…

Who has the sexier Fathead?

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The Derobers grew up in the pre-Fathead era. There were no Heidi Klum Fatheads in existence -BUT if Fathead would have gotten their shit together in the 90’s they would cleaned up. Instead of buying a million Michael Jordan and Paula Abdul posters, I would have bought 9 Heidi Klum Fatheads, one for each room in my house including my dog’s dog house.

Verdict: Heidi takes the W on this one because that famous pose of her kneeling down on the beach wearing a bikini 5 sizes too small makes me weak in the knees. If this Fathead were in existence, although illegal in most countries -it would win hands down. My only plea is to Fathead: Do a throwback series: Heidi Klum, Kathy Ireland, Cindy Crawford, Elle McPherson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Larry Bird, Magic, Jim McMahon, John Elway, Joe Montana, Ken Griffey Jr, Mark McGuire, Jose Canseco…you get the idea. I want 82% of sales for my obviously brilliant idea.

To purchase the Marisa Miller Fathead -Click HERE

To contact Fathead and raise hell that no Heidi Klum Fatheads exist -Click HERE

Who looks better in Victoria Secret wings?

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Klum was an innovator of the wing art. Her plumage was full and bright. But this post represents the changing of the guard. Marisa’s ability to grow real wings on-the-spot with a wingfoot appendage to boot is not only beautiful, but also a miracle of modern evolution.

Verdict: Miller for President

The Tiebreaker: Youth

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In a model’s world, youth is king. At 34, Klum is still one of the most beautiful women in the world but the 30 year-old Miller has the age-edge.

The Winner: Marisa F’ing Miller

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The Derobers solute our lovely contestants. Both Heidi and Marisa have won a trip to Hawaii with me and my friends, your treat of course. Call us to confirm your reservations… please call us, ok?

To celebrate their combined sexiness, The Derobers have also put together the 10 Greatest Klum/Miller Photos Ever Taken! Enjoy Responsibly…

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Comments (31) “Marisa Miller -vs- Heidi Klum: A Battle of the Titans”

ArtforlifeNovember 6, 2008 @ 5:14 pm

Heidi klum is Heidi klum still on the top unquestionably,who you say is the other girl???

AnonymousNovember 6, 2008 @ 8:02 pm

There is lots of topless pictures of Marisa Miller out there when she posed in perfect 10, so you can see her niples.

Dee Rober

[...] Marisa Miller vs. Heidi Klum: Swimsuit battle. (DR) [...]

AnonymousNovember 7, 2008 @ 10:00 am

All you gotta see is Marissa posing with an iPod and nothing else. Heidi still looks good but Marissa is the new Queen.

Dee Rober
RJNovember 7, 2008 @ 11:09 am

This is embarassing!
Marissa Miller isn’t even a freckle on Klum’s perefectly shaped ass!
How dare you even compare the two!!!

Mike OxbigNovember 7, 2008 @ 11:16 am

One is a mudshark, and the other one isn’t. Contest over right there. Marissa Miller in a landslide victory.

vuNovember 7, 2008 @ 11:29 am

Marissa has a spectacular body but her face is fugly. Plus, her entire body and face is covered with freckles. in photos, it’s fine because of photoshop but in videos, the freckles stick out.

Heidi in her prime was untouchable. Doesn’t every one remember the closeup where she’s floating in water with the blue top? I blow my wad just thinking of that. She’s still recovering from her pregnancy fat but she’s still great

justinNovember 7, 2008 @ 12:23 pm

There bothg hott id take mm but hk gots the nockers but idk id have one under each arm

LoverboyNovember 7, 2008 @ 12:29 pm

Doesnt Heidi’s entrepreneurial sense and empire count for anything? Miller aint got sh*t on Heidi from a business perspective.

Business translates into $dollars$ so Heidi wins hands down.

bmanNovember 7, 2008 @ 12:32 pm

Marissa’s face is very questionable - I still think Heidi is WAY hotter.

EricNovember 7, 2008 @ 12:33 pm

Let’s see them both at forty and I’ll bet that Kathy Ireland still blows them both away.

BIG PNovember 7, 2008 @ 12:37 pm

marissa’s face isnt questionable but heidi’s choice in marrying things from other planets is. marissa by a lot

SteveNovember 7, 2008 @ 12:40 pm

I’d be good either way

patrickNovember 7, 2008 @ 3:49 pm

Wake up boys, Marissa Miller is the perfect girl. She even has her own “Fathead” poster. She is #1 on my Top 10 list. Heidi is hot, but Marissa is the total package.

MattNovember 7, 2008 @ 4:57 pm

Looks, Body, Intelligence, Body, Judgement, Body, Body, Body….all 100% in favor of Marissa Miller. If it were possible to score higher than 100% she would.

DrewNovember 7, 2008 @ 5:01 pm

I’ve never quite figured out the recent infatuation with Marisa Miller. Is it a lack of better options? She’s hot, but nothing spectacular, tall, skinny, hot white girl, plenty of those around. Heidi is a supermodel (a real one, too, not a pretender). Why is this even a debate?

ReedNovember 7, 2008 @ 5:09 pm

Can you believe these Mulebutt, hogsbreath, gopher gonad clowns on here with the nerve to utter a dispariging word about the appearance of either of these two stunningly beautiful women?

I just about peed my pants thinking about these sweaty smelly butt ugly clowns sitting in front of a computer telling the world that “Miller has freckles”…can you believe that VU guy? Marissa Miller, fugly??? What a clown. I’ll bet his woman has a valve stem..

GatorNovember 7, 2008 @ 5:13 pm

Looks like you guys better do some more research because the pic of “Heidi” in bodypaint is actually Elle McPherson. Sorry guys, you blew it!

yourmomNovember 7, 2008 @ 10:05 pm

retarded. marisa is hot but this survey didn’t give heidi a chance, and what about tyra banks, hottest si girl ever.

BenNovember 7, 2008 @ 11:25 pm

I’ve never understood why people even give Marisa Miller a second look. She’s an ugly sack of shit. I mean, look at her face, if you can stand to. It’s enough to make you puke.

BoBoNovember 8, 2008 @ 9:51 am

How about Marissa’s stupid, screaching voice? She sounds like an idiot.

BoBoNovember 8, 2008 @ 9:53 am

How about Marissa’s fake boobs vs heidi’s best boobs in the world?

CodyNovember 8, 2008 @ 11:51 am

Marisa Miller, but it’s a close one.

MonkeyNovember 8, 2008 @ 12:14 pm

I think I need to take a test drive before I decide

MattNovember 9, 2008 @ 7:16 pm

yeeeeeeeeeah, no … Heidi is unparalleled … enough said

anonymousNovember 9, 2008 @ 8:45 pm

SI has always been obsessed with Miller so this is completely biased. Every single article with some hot chick is Miller like she is some goddess. Let me tell you this, Giselle got paid $35 million when Klum got paid $14 million. Miller is not in any of them. So surely Giselle is the best and Klum is always better than Miller. I’m sorry to say this SI, but Tom Brady wins again.

JakeNovember 10, 2008 @ 4:53 pm

Sorry Gator. Your the one that needs research. The body painting iis Heidi, SI Swimsuit 1999.

hhhMarch 23, 2010 @ 6:32 am

marisa is marisa.she is truely bootylicious and boobalicious.she is having the perfect boobs to butt ratio.

MeDecember 14, 2012 @ 11:05 pm

I’d say Marisa Miller is a dog, but my dog is better looking. Holy crap - I can’t even look at her for very long. Those of you who think she’s beautiful should look up from her boobs for a few seconds.

[...] Hotter: Marisa Miller or Heidi Klum [Derober] [...]

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