Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
After taking my gaze from Adriana’s eye’s, I noticed her chesticles appear larger than normal -trust me, I would know. I own stock in Victoria’s Secret and was on the Miracle Bra committee. These results are off the charts. I am beginning to think that VS went behind my back to create the Beta version of the UberMiraclest Bra. Bastards.
The only other logical explanation is that Adriana is indeed pregnant. This is not a rumor I am willing to start unless there was a chance it was my love child -and this is not the case…yet.

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John:
Jessica Alba is posing for Campari Liquor? For those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure of drinking Campari, I’ll fill you in. It tastes like bitter ass juice. No joke, one time my roommate and I were jonesing for some liquor and Campari was the only thing we had left. I’d never tasted it but my roommate turns to me and says, “We’re gonna’ need some Grapefruit Juice to cut the Campari.”

So there that is. Jessica Alba is selling liquor that tastes so f*cking bad, the only thing that will make it taste better is the worst fruit juice ever made.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Madonna and her glorified chew toy Alex Rodriguez are keeping their affair relationship quiet which is why they spent the week in New York shopping for 60 million dollar homes (as you may have gathered by this point). According to pagesix:
A knowledgeable real estate source tells us the kabbalah-crazed pop queen and the skirt-chasing power hitter are “discreetly looking at properties between Fifth and Park avenues, from just above 60th Street through the 80s.
“Madonna personally came to look at one house a couple of months ago, and Alex has been looking recently,” the insider said. “We’re talking about private, double-width mansions in the vicinity of $30 million to $60 million.”
Madge and A-Rod are also interested in scoring a house “with a garage that you can drive into for additional privacy - although those are rare and hard to come by,” our spy added. Another source said they were also looking in the Hamptons.

I know Madonna is rich and famous, A-Rod. But if you want to experience the sensation only the Madge can give then I suggest sticking your nuts into the blades of a lawn mower or dipping them into cement and then having someone wreck them with a sledge hammer. Much safer alternatives. I wish you all the best, A-Rod, you f#cking idiot.

Related Stories:

• A-Rod and Madonna reunite…eeew
• Celebrity homes depreciate in value just like civilian homes
• A-Rod’s wife is to sound investment what Paris Hilton is to wholesome virgin
• Jessica Simpson denies release of exercise tape. Fat people outraged

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Darby Gunpowder:
I just love when pre-photoshopped photos of models are leaked to the public. The photo we are referring to comes from a Russian magazine called Nitro. We don’t know who the model is becasue her name is spelled in Sputnik, but we do know she is crying this very moment. We don’t know know who leaked the photo, but we can guess they were probably disgruntled and it was their last day at that job anyway. They are probably dead by now too. It’s definitely not as bad as the Faith Hill / Redbook fiasco that our country obsessed over, but still newsworthy.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Sean Penn’s co-star in the biopic Milk, James Franco, basically just opened the closet door wide open for Penn. Franco describes how in the film their initially was supposed to be a brief kiss between Penn (playing gay activist Harvey Milk) and Franco’s characters. It seems Penn had other ideas in mind. According to page six:

“In the original script I read, there was only one real kissing scene,” Franco tells next month’s Elle. “A month after [director] Gus [Van Sant] asked me to do it, they sent me another script, and on Page 5 there was a full-on love scene. And I was like, ‘Gus, what the heck?’ He says, ‘Well, it was Sean’s idea.’ “

And why am I not surprised. You know I understand an actors’ desire to truly get into a character. But there’s good old fashioned acting and then there’s Sean Penn. A man clutching at any excuse to make love to other men both on and off set. I mean c’mon, he married Madonna. That sounds about as legit as a Vanilla Ice hit. Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja, GO!

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