New Lara Croft makes me feel tingly

Darby Gunpowder:
Move over Angelina Jolie, you have been replaced by UK receptionist, Alison Carroll for the role of Lara Croft. Although Carroll has not been awarded the movie role (yet), she has been hired to promote the Tomb Raider video game, Underworld. I approve of this decision.
The Telegraph reports:

“Carroll will star in TV adverts and travel the world to meet Lara Croft fans.
Winning the role of Lara means Carroll can quit her job as a receptionist.
“This is a fantastic opportunity and I am really looking forward to embracing Lara’s world,” she said. “I still can’t believe they chose me to take on the role of Lara – and I can’t wait to get stuck in. This is my dream job. I have always wanted to be an action hero and hope to be able to use my gymnastic ability to perform all of Lara’s stunts.”

I apologize for Carroll’s thick British accent in the above quote, let me translate for you:

“My huge boobs and ability to put both legs behind my head and pat my ass like a bongo drum will sell video games to horny, virgin gamers. I hope they let me keep my costume.”

Update: It’s official, the Lara Croft costume that Alison Carroll will wear on tour (as seen above) does indeed look like a hot steamy mess.

Celebrity Caricatures – Part 1 [14 pics]

Darby Gunpowder:
Welcome to the first installment of Celebrity Caricatures. Here at Derober, we hate celebrities, but these pics are too cool poke fun at -they speak for themselves. Roll your mouse over the photos to reveal the muse behind the face. Enjoy, and don’t forget to check out our homepage for the usual satire and T&A.

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Click Here to view the rest of the celeb caricatures.
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Continue Reading: Celebrity Caricatures – Part 1 [14 pics]

Brangelina Twins forced to do photoshoot for millions

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Darby Gunpowder:
Just when you think America had a foothold on child labor laws, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are putting their new twins to work before their 1 month birthday -a rigorous photo-shoot. The twins are expected to fetch more than 11 million bucks for their first pics. Disgusting. It’s bad enough the twins, a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline have to live with those crappy names the rest of their lives.

The “Perfect” Celebrity – Part 1

Darby Gunpowder:
Welcome to “The Perfect Celebrity” brought to you by Adobe Photoshop!!! Ever wonder what would happen if you could slice up the world’s hottest celebs and reassemble their best features into a super-hybrid, perfect celebrity? Before rolling your mouse over the photos, try and guess what celebrity’s body parts were used to create the surprisingly disappointing “perfect” celebrities.

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Angelina Jolie’s boobs are miraculous

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Angelina Jolie in the new issue of Vanity Fair does for me what water does to Chia pets. Do the math. Angelina in this picture is a perfect example of how pregnant women everywhere should try to be. No more ,”I’m eating for two” bullshit. Just keep that chin high and tight and rock the hell out of those cannons.