Angelina Jolie’s ‘Twin Watch’ has me gripped with suspense

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Like a midget at a urinal, this story keeps me on my toes. Angelina Jolie twin watch ’08 is like a supercharged sex addicted muscle car exploding out of the uterus of a rancor. It has already had more miss calls then a red state in a presidential election. I for one can’t stand the suspense. It’s gotten to the point where every time I take more than three steps I piss my pants and forget who I am for a half an hour. If there’s anyone out there reading this right now, please call a priest who is well versed in the 70’s art form known as exorcisms. If that’s not available, a doctor or a fortune teller will suffice, as both have the power to predict if I’m currently growing a tumor.

The official word for those who actually give a shit is that Angelina is still pregnant and with Brad and the foreign family fun bunch in France.

Angelina Jolie is pregant with twins–there goes the planet

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Angelina Jolie is having twins. Imagine what Brad must be going through. Kids keep dropping off at his doorstep like flies to dog sh@t and Angelina expects him to take care of them. Brad rants for a while and then realizes there’s no sense dealing with a woman that uses kids as currency. She gets a great discount because of her fame. At some point Brad has to put his foot down and say that’s enough. The day you can’t pronounce fifty percent of your children’s names is the day you stop adopting. That being said, Angie has already discussed plans to adopt more children in more countries. Brad failed to comment. Angie likes it that way. She also loves wearing pants 😉

For more Angie baby x-rays and more.

Angelina Jolie’s not so sweet 16

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John:
Angelina Jolie gave us all a gift for her 16th birthday and it was finally delivered today. In Touch has gotten their hands on a risky shoot Jolie did at only 16. Clad in leather and wearing a bikini, she hoped the photos would get her recognition in the industry. It must have worked cause last time I checked she was a whole buncha’ famous. Enjoy the photos. Pretend she’s 18 if that makes you feel better about yourself, pervert.

The Ten Million Dollar Baby

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John:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are set to sell photos of their new baby for $10 million. People paid $4 million for baby Shiloh’s pictures so this is…more. It should be noted that they give all proceeds to charity. It should also be noted that this is beyond retarded. My parents had to pay some pedophile at Sears $25 dollars for my first photos and there was not even a clown provided.

Angelina Jolie’s St. John photos released

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John:
Angelina channels Audrey Hepburn in her latest spread. The photos were taken pre-bump but the look in her eyes clearly says, “Impregnate me now, Billy Bob.”
And he did.