Derober

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John:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz-bag welcomed their mongoloid son, Bronx, into the world last night. Reports coming in are that Ashlee was disoriented and wanted to know “If it’s a boy or a douchebag.” Turns out it was both according to People,

Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long.
“Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!” a spokesperson tells PEOPLE.

So the first son of Satan has officially been spawned. Get out your crosses and your lamb’s blood, Bronx Mowgli Wentz-bag is here to destroy us
Continue Reading: Wanna’ hear what Ashlee Simpson giving birth sounds like?

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Darby Gunpowder:
Remember that baby growing inside Ashlee Simpson? Yeah, it’s still there. Jessica Simpson went on the Ellen show and mentioned that her little sis will be inducing labor to get the little douchenugget out. (that was almost verbatim)
Maybe the mini-Wentz-bag has a mirror in there with him and realized that he looks just like Pete Wentz…his shame and embarrassment could be keeping in her belly. I know how he feels, one time in 2nd grade, I got a really dorky haircut and didn’t leave the house for days. Then my mom told me about Pete Wentz and his inability to wear pants that fit, his natural douche odor, and his Perma-Blue-Steel face and I was at school the next day.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If you haven’t met ‘Tyrone the tit loving T-Rex,’ than let this be a coming out party. He’s profiled all the greatest celebrity racks. He viewed Jean Harlow’s mammories during the depression. He coped with Marilyn’s juggs during the second great world war. And did I mention ladies, he’s a Vietnam Vet himself? Yes, Tyrone gets the skinny on any famous set of hose-hounds and we’re lucky to have him as our man dinosaur in the field on everything breasts. In this shot he is getting the scoop on Ashlee Simpson’s boobs.

Bob ‘The Bitch’–“Tyrone, anything fun or unusual to report on Ashlee’s fun-bags?”
Tyrone–“SHE GOT RACK”
Bob ‘The Bitch’: ” Well, you heard it hear folks, Ashlee Simpson sadly has something worth paying attention to. Back to you in the studio John and Leo.

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wenz have a shotgun wedding (Perez)
Biggest fake boobs in the world makes record book (Asylum)
Laura Dern will return for next Jurassic Park (Stab)
Lohan is really, really desperate for a job (BedHead)
New Batman poster (Pink)
Joss Stone’s lesbian kiss (Stepfather)
Beckinsale or Marisa Miller? (On205th)

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John:
Three weeks ago, Derober was the first to report that Ashlee Simpson might have cheated on, A-1 DB, Pete Wentz when they first got together. Well it turns out there’s a snowballs chance in the arctic this may be true. THERE IS A GOD! The Derobers happen to be mutual friends with the guy (requested anonymity) who’s friends with the secret lover, TJ Swartz, and gave us the scoop via email:

“So my buddy TJ is the guy I was telling you about who hooked up with Ashley Simpson while she was with Pete Wentz. He’s just some normal dude from Chicago -no industry connects. He met Ashley at this lounge called Manor about a year ago and they hooked up a few times whenever she came in town. We used to give him shit about her taste in guys because she was dating that tool box Pete Wentz. TJ never admitted to sleeping with her, but when I asked him about her pregnancy he said “I did the math dude, trust me, it’s not mine.” haaa, I hope not!. These are the pics TJ sent me last year when they showed up on some Ashley fan site -enjoy”

Derober spoke to one of TJ’s ex-girlfriends, Lisa Wagner, who says, “TJ is seriously the nicest, most polite, and most shy person I ever met. I’m not surprised at all about the whole Ashlee thing. Girls like him a lot, a real charmer.”
The timing on this couldn’t be worse for Simpson. Ashlee and the Wentz-Bag are rumored to be wed this weekend outside LA. This is like the time when my uncle was about to get married and his fiance invited him on the Jerry Springer show to ‘talk about stuff.’ My uncle just wanted to meet Steve the bouncer. Steve, the bouncer.

P.S. Oh, did we mention there is a tape of T.J. discussing the rendezvous? So silly of me. Stay tuned.