Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Let me be the first to say these women were not born from a mother like you and me. They were forged in the fires of Mount Doom. A trifecta of tits so powerful that when combined they can bring lakes to boil, turn mountains to rubble and even make the Riverdance look not gay. Simply put, Audrina, Rosario, and Katie are in a stratosphere all to themselves. A Tit-Twilight zone.

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John:
It was recently discovered that some club owners are paying the single-celled amoeba $10,000 to attend parties according to the Daily News,

The Maxim model, 23, demands “a secure VIP area with complimentary beer, mixed drinks and bottle service (two bottles) and at least one security guard at all times,” according to the rider.

I’ll bet she takes the money and buys the dumbest shit with it too. Even money she has a My Little Pony collection that takes up an entire wing of her house.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Look at how happy Audrina Partridge and boyfriend Justin Bobby (name not a joke) are bar-hopping on the streets of Santa Monica. Makes me think maybe..just maybe it’s time for me to try my hand at dating. Perhaps I’ve been too hard on celebrity couples and haven’t given them enough praise for their happiness. Maybe I should quit being such a critic and start being a believer. Perhaps I finally learned the error in my cynical ways. Ohh…ohhh God what have I done…?

Wait…

Wait a minute…

What was I saying. Oh Lord, I’ve done it again. I’m sorry guys I lost my head there for a second. I was in the midst of cocking the shotgun when those previous hopeful comments were uttered. I guess I just got caught up in romantic moments that lead up to pre-shotgun blast and was in speaking unconsciously in a state of horny hypnosis. But like everything in life the moment is over and I still hate people. All is well…all is well.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Combine two of the greatest things on earth, put them in a bottle and you’ve got something sweeter than you. No, I’m not talking about cotton candy laced with acid I’m referring to the blossoming sport of tit-skydiving. Lets see, a seemingly endless free-fall out of a plane, but instead of plummeting uneventfully to the ground (boring as being sober at the zoo) you land gracefully in a scrumptioulecent pair of juggs. In this case, I chose Hills star (hehe) Audrina Partridge’s heavenly boobs as my landing pad. You are probably wondering if I noticed whether her lady cannons were fake or not while I was down there; however, when your knee deep in nipple you don’t stop to look at the siding. You just make a stupid face and suck til the utter runs dry.

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John:
A simple, “Can I motorboat your bitch please” would have sufficed. Instead this dude sticks his fat dumb head into a world of pain. And, yes, I can summon a bottle of Milwaukee’s Best from the heavens at my will.

Audrina is on the set of her new film The Reef. Let’s face it, the movie is going to be almost unwatchable. In fact, The Reef spelled backwards is Strait to DVD. True story.

Also, if you get a minute, Karina Smirnoff’s top popped off today. Bam!

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Yeah, Boba and Audrina go out for tea and sex every Sunday. Boba never calls back. No woman can cage the Fett. It’s like catching a seal lathered in butter.

Click here to see what I am doing tonight

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:

According to an interview with Canada’s National Post Lauren Conrad

won’t date guys that are in reality TV shows. The hippocrate Conrad said,

Dating [on The Hills] is hard because, personally, I don’t really want to date a guy that wants to be on a reality show, but those are the only kind of guys I can date,

Really?! That’s funny coming from a woman who whores herself out the the world every day on a scripted reality TV show. Get off your high horse. Who are you to judge other people who are pursuing a career via reality TV. Don’t get me wrong, I hate all of you. But I’m not exactly on reality TV myself am I? So I can say that. In the meantime, do yourself a favor. Find a nice little canyon and throw yourself in it. And on the decent down remember not to criticize other people for throwing themselves off cliffs. Hippocrate.

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