Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Hello world, as you may have figured out from the title this is Krystal Forscutt. Who is she you ask? Good question, because just yesterday she was the hottest model in the world I hadn’t heard of. And now she’s the hottest model in the world I have. Well, turns out old clownshoes himself (Kanye West) saw the Lad magazine model and was so impressed that he posted forty of Forscutt’s best photos on his personal blog to help promote her. And as you might imagine Krystal is currently blowing up. Touche Kanye. Well played. You may have one the battle but not the war. Because I will dedicate the rest of my natural born life (two years and some change) to posting Krystal on my website until she’s so famous that she will inevitably have no other choice but to fall for me. I can see it now, the two of us on a mountaintop picking berries and having sex. She’s grilling me my favorite steak while I consume massive quantities of beer and cotton candy. Mmmmmm, nipple…or cotton candy…..both.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Keeley Hazell is a hurricane of sexual prowess. She walks into an S&M store and says, “I’ll take me.” If she were an island it would probably lactate milk. Sometimes when I see her topless I swear I see the Virgin Mary in her nipples. She is my wife, my muse, my one and only. She will be mine or I will die trying.

Odds are I’ll die trying.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve suspected it for years. People kept wondering how a woman could be so vulgar, so powerful and so addicted to sex. But the answer was always simpler than they ever could’ve imagined…Madonna IS a man. That’s right, she’s got a pair of balls the size of New Mexico. They have their own orbit. King Kong was ashamed of himself after seeing them. Did I mention Madonna is a man?? OK, good. Anyways, Madonna and her man bits just started the ‘Sticky and Sweet’ Tour (not making that up) in England. The tour will go for several months or until the sponsors realize they just had sex with a man and pull the plug. And by ‘plug’ I mean concert you sickos.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Just look at how miserable a human being Nicole Scherzinger looks like on her private boat. She makes the same cringe with her face that my dog makes when he scoots his shitty ass across the carpet. She’s looks like the kind of girl that if you dated she would give you the cold shoulder all day until she thought of something for you to do for her.

“Oh Nicole…you need another pair of Dior sunglasses..right…right now? But I just got you a pair..I….but…oh, they weren’t the right tint of champagne color. Ok, babe. I’ll get right on it. In the meantime would you mind kindly going and F#CKING YOURSELF!”

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Yes, that’s the ticket. I’m trying to think how I’d react if I was on the set of Transformers 2 and saw Megan Fox fixing her boobs and I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. One, I focus the sun’s light through a magnifying glass into my eyes blinding myself because once you’ve seen perfection nothing else will make you happy. Two, I piss my pants and forget who I am for a half an hour. Or three, I create a time machine and spend my entire life traveling back to that single moment in time. I mean if you’re gonna go, go with a smile. Long story short, Meg darling, have you ever considered Playboy? You’ve got the goods, and with my help you could be the best.

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