Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Yes, that’s the ticket. I’m trying to think how I’d react if I was on the set of Transformers 2 and saw Megan Fox fixing her boobs and I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. One, I focus the sun’s light through a magnifying glass into my eyes blinding myself because once you’ve seen perfection nothing else will make you happy. Two, I piss my pants and forget who I am for a half an hour. Or three, I create a time machine and spend my entire life traveling back to that single moment in time. I mean if you’re gonna go, go with a smile. Long story short, Meg darling, have you ever considered Playboy? You’ve got the goods, and with my help you could be the best.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
There are a few constants in my life. My need for gratuitous shotgun blasts. My hatred of douchebags getting laid…period. And my love of tits. Specifically, side boobs in this case. Audrina Partridge has done to me what General Patton did to Rommel’s tank army. She read my book. Seriously, if I were to give a play-by-play book on how to stay on my good-side, then excluding the use of shotguns and or providing an endless stream of cotton candy Audrina is perfect. She completes me. She sets my loans on fire. And anyone who knows me well knows that’s a privilege. An honor fit for the god’s, so to speak.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Listen, I only had time for one post today and it would be unfair NOT to include each of these two beautimous babes. Audrina Partridge and Neri..Nare….the chick who was banging Cristiano Ronaldo a few months back; we’ll call her Sally for simplicity’s sake. Anyways, Audrina and Sally’s rocking tits have been a constant source of inspiration in my life. Kind of like Adrian was to Rocky, or rocks are to a crack-head. And in my darkest hour when I question the very meaning of life a beam of white light bursts out of the blackness. All I can make out though the blinding glow are these two sets of heavenly tits. And suddenly my purpose in life becomes very clear–I must run for president.

Vote ‘The Bitch’ in 2020. If you like atomic breasts then I am your man.

BTW–Sally’s real name is Nereida Gallardo, just in case you need her help.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So for her unemotional faced boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia, Hayden Panettiere decided to give a surprise striptease for the actor’s 31st birthday. According to sources,

Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.

This may be true, but Hayden will always remember her striptease roots while she spent summers with me in the golden hills of Tuscany. She was only 13 the time, and I 2 score, but we were in love…and in Italy, so it was legal. I can only imagine every time she sees an old man on a bench in the park she thinks of me and my luscious lap. She left Tuscany for Hollywood by the age of 14 but I will never forget those passionate nights of nut grinding and ass motorboating. I know you’re still saving your good stuff for me, Hayden. And I hope you never forget where you got your lapdancing chops from. God knows I won’t.

Here are a few pics of Hayden in the early days struggling to master the craft of stripteasing.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I think this is what I saw rise to the water’s surface last time I went fishing with dynamite. The mere fact that Playboy would even consider letting Brooke Hogan pose in the nude for them leads me to one of two conclusions: one, that Playboy has gotten so bored of seeing gorgeous girls in the nude that they’ve decided to shake things up with a little butter face photoshoot; or two that Hugh Hefner has literally lost the ability of sight. I doubt it’s the ladder of the two based on his three girlfriends.

I can only imagine how excited Brooke must’ve been to read Playboy’s offer. “They…they think I’m sexy. OMG this is so super-sweet, now I can tell all my classmates that I AM sexy and they will believe me because Playboy wants to shoot me. Bitchin!” Little does Brooke know that in fact, no, her classmates will not believe that she’s hot. They’ll continue to call her ‘Miss Swamp Thing,’ and throw kickballs at her head while she’s crouched in the corner.

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