Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So for her unemotional faced boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia, Hayden Panettiere decided to give a surprise striptease for the actor’s 31st birthday. According to sources,

Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.

This may be true, but Hayden will always remember her striptease roots while she spent summers with me in the golden hills of Tuscany. She was only 13 the time, and I 2 score, but we were in love…and in Italy, so it was legal. I can only imagine every time she sees an old man on a bench in the park she thinks of me and my luscious lap. She left Tuscany for Hollywood by the age of 14 but I will never forget those passionate nights of nut grinding and ass motorboating. I know you’re still saving your good stuff for me, Hayden. And I hope you never forget where you got your lapdancing chops from. God knows I won’t.

Here are a few pics of Hayden in the early days struggling to master the craft of stripteasing.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I think this is what I saw rise to the water’s surface last time I went fishing with dynamite. The mere fact that Playboy would even consider letting Brooke Hogan pose in the nude for them leads me to one of two conclusions: one, that Playboy has gotten so bored of seeing gorgeous girls in the nude that they’ve decided to shake things up with a little butter face photoshoot; or two that Hugh Hefner has literally lost the ability of sight. I doubt it’s the ladder of the two based on his three girlfriends.

I can only imagine how excited Brooke must’ve been to read Playboy’s offer. “They…they think I’m sexy. OMG this is so super-sweet, now I can tell all my classmates that I AM sexy and they will believe me because Playboy wants to shoot me. Bitchin!” Little does Brooke know that in fact, no, her classmates will not believe that she’s hot. They’ll continue to call her ‘Miss Swamp Thing,’ and throw kickballs at her head while she’s crouched in the corner.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
In case you haven’t heard Batman The Dark Knight has just put my heart at ease by beating Spider Man 3’s previous 3 day opening weekend box office record of 151.1 million. Batman made a whopping 155.340 million dollars this weekend, or roughly 2.5 billion pogs. And lets be honest, the movie was f#cking stellar but Heath Ledger was the movie’s ace in the hole. I try to figure out how he was so brilliant and electrifying and all I can think of is that a sniper had his rifle trained on him during the entire shoot and told him that if he wasn’t a revelation in every scene that he would be killed. Either way we’re all just a little blessed that we got to see such a great actor in the role of his life just before he passed away. Epic, Heath. Epic.

Oh yeah, and f#ck you Spider Man.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Let me be the first to say these women were not born from a mother like you and me. They were forged in the fires of Mount Doom. A trifecta of tits so powerful that when combined they can bring lakes to boil, turn mountains to rubble and even make the Riverdance look not gay. Simply put, Audrina, Rosario, and Katie are in a stratosphere all to themselves. A Tit-Twilight zone.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You know I’d be all for people going on vacation to have a swell time except for the fact that…oh yeah, I never go on vacations. F@#k vacations! I see pics of Vanessa Hudgens and her tampon Zac Efron and I just want to end them. I’m sure Turks and Caicos, where the two vacationed, are lovely this time of year. But you know what’s even lovelier? Zac’s head on ice and Vanessa’s head mounted on the wall over my fireplace. Needless to say I don’t thrive on positive energy. I’m more of a chamber is half empty kind of a guy.