Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I once asked my Great Grand Pappy Winston (God rest his soul) why he thought a great pair of tits were better than all seven of the wonders of the world. He looked down at me with a dry grimace, moonshine trickling out of his mouth, and in a low crackly voice he explained, “because a great pair of tits is the only treasure that you never get tired of seeing, boy.”

It’s a sound point. Boobs are like the gateway to my childhood. The only thing that can bring me the same sense of euphoria I felt as a kid when I planted bottle rockets in fishes’ mouths and watched them explode all the while toting a tall bowl of cotton candy by my side; heaven I tell you. That’s what Lucy Pinder and Sophie Howard’s juggs are to me, a slice of my youth. But that’s just one man’s opinion. Anyways, these British babes are posing for the pages of Nuts Magazine and I am now sold on the country.

Random Important Addition: The 50 Hottest Chicks (barely) dressed as Wonder Woman has arrived here!

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This is Marisa Miller in the May issue of Ralph Magazine. Many know her as the blond supermodel who’s graced the pages of nearly every ‘sex selling’ magazine known to man. But few know her for another special reason–she’s also my girlfriend. That’s right free world, I’d like to officially announce that Marisa and I are an item. Like peas and carrots we have been in a passionate romance for the past 3 years. But if you are like how I used to be (mangina) then you’re probably wondering how I bagged such a beautimous babe. And in my new tell all book 5 Ways on How to Woo a Beautimous Babe (really a short story with pictures) you will learn from my method. A method I’ve come to call the ‘wear the pants or go home’ method (also accompanied with pictures and SNAKES). So get off your ass and bag that babe with the gravy train with biscuit wheels body today. Just not Marisa Miller…cause that’s my bitch and I own a sawed off shotgun.

Good luck.

Return to i-am-bored.com for more boredom relief or just take a look at Gemma Atkinson without any clothes on here.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This is what $2,000 an hour could get you. So forget buying your kids a new pair of sneakers, fire your gardener and cancel all your wife’s tennis lessons because Ashley Alexandra Dupree is priority numero uno. I have a new found respect for Elliot Spitzer–I mean come the F#ck on, look at her. This picture of Dupree was taken at the Sea Girt Beach in New Jersey. Mean anything to you? Me neither. Girls like this don’t just give themselves up to guys like me, which is why I suggest that you use every tool at your disposal.

Duct tape might be of use, just FYI.

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‘Bob ‘The Bitch’:
I’ve never wanted to avoid a pair of breasts more than I do now. Amy Winehouse’s nipples are a gag fest. They’re only good for milking crack addicts. They should come with a disclaimer that reads ‘these nips can cause sudden involuntary bowel movements, dissy-spells and delusions of Satan driving a big-rig truck’. In addition to the atrocities that are Amy’s boobs, there is a video that one of Amy’s ‘friends’ sent to the media that shows Amy singing a racist jingle for her boyfriend Blake. It’s catchy, in a post apocalyptic sort of way.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If you’re like me you sit around in your PJs all day trying to unlock the rubik’s cube that is Hayden Panettiere. You ask questions like ,”How do I get closer to Hayden?,” “does Hayden like men with beer bellies and no IRA account?,” And “will Hayden guzzle down a gallon of Drano if I ask her to?” These are the questions that matter. And I’m proud to say I’ve at least unlocked the secret to a hardcore make-out session with Hayden Panettiere. It goes something like this–be a girl. Or at least trick her into believing you are one. According to Hayden herself she loved to make-out with girls when she was growing up in order to hone in on her skills. Hayden explains,

It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique!”

Hayden forgot to mention social outcasts like me that never get girlfriends and have to learn vicariously through other people…on the internet. It’s almost as good as the real thing. You know like riding a bike and imagining it’s a Ferrari.

God, I hate my life.