Derober

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Dee:
Say what you want about the girl’s mental condition, Britney is also crazy-rich. Britney and the guy using her left the Van Nuys airport yesterday for a destination unknown. Rumor has it, she left for New York but our sources (who work at the airport) can’t confirm that. We think Britney is hitching a ride down to Cape Canaveral, Florida, where NASA has agreed to launch her to Neptune for $10 million. Britney wants to “visit friends.” Good luck!
John:
Is it just me or is Britney starting to look better? She’s got a shiny new man and a nice ride. Things are looking up, Brit. If you haven’t heard yet, Britney is also running for President!

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Dee:
Not good, not good. The Derobers are going with a pants-off theme today. No reason, it’s just funny. So Doc Phil is parading around town discussing his private interventions with Britney. He had also advertised an entire episode devoted to the Spears’ family (since been scrapped). And that sending Britney’s redneck family back to Wal-Mart for extra shotguns. Pop Cruch dishes:

“Family spokeswoman Lou Taylor, a business manager for mother Lynne and daughter Jamie Lynn Spears, appeared on Wednesday’s Today and said that the family never planned to do a show with Dr. Phil, despite his claims to the contrary.
“He was not invited to make this a public display,” Lou said.
“They were taken advantage of, they are people who love their daughter and need support.”

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Spears – Lohan Campaign Headquarters

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Dee:
Welcome to the Spears-Lohan Campaign Headquarters in Venice Beach, California. If you’re tired of watching boring politicians preaching reheated agendas, we’ve got the ticket for you. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are running for the highest office in the land. They are out to rehabilitate themselves and our great nation. We promise you a campaign completely devoid of substance, tact, or even spell-checking.
Each week, the Derobers will provide non-depth coverage of the candidates’ political adventures as they try to “make politics pretty again” and stay sober at the same time. Join us!

Their political party:
C.O.N. (Celebrities on Neptune)

Campaign Promises:
“To provide milk for hungry babies, hair for cancer people, and keeping illegal immigrants out of Iraq, now!”

MEET THE CANDIDATES

BRITNEY SPEARS – PRESIDENT

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QUALIFICATIONS:
-Teen pop princess at age 16
-Dated Justin Timberlake, male heir to pop throne.
-Broke up with Justin
-Denied she lost her virginity
-Married high school redneck in Las Vegas for 55 hours
-Annulled redneck marriage
-Wed redneck Kevin Federline
-Birthed a child
-Put on some lbs.
-Birthed another toddler
-Gave toddler driving lessons
-Got divorced for 2nd time
-Exposed her ‘waterslide’ to world
-Shaved her head
-Went to rehab
-Groundbreaking VMA performance on cocktail of anti-depressants
-Denied she needed help
-Denied younger sister was pregnant
-Affirmed existence of time machines
-Alienated mother
-Became former mother
-Became President of the United States of America

Lead Council: A man named Osama and not Dr. Phil

 

LINDSAY LOHAN – VICE PRESIDENT

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Qualifications:
-Commercial success with ‘Parent Trap’, ‘Freaky Friday’, ‘Mean Girls’
-Discovered alcohol, cocaine, prescription medication, and bad boys
-Once took enough cocaine with Nicole Richie to kill a pony
-Received first DUI before she was of drinking age
-Went to rehab for first time
-Days after release from rehab, arrested for 2nd DUI and possession of narcotics
-Blamed incident on friends
-Commandeered a vehicle from fellow party-goers
-Went back to rehab in Utah
-Met a redneck
-Broke up with redneck (currently shopping around nude pictures)
-Accepts award in Italy for contribution to film
-Banged Italy
-Banged Italian redneck in Italy (currently shopping around story of conquest)
-Fell off wagon in Italy
-Became Vice President of United States (and honorary Ambassador to Italy)

Lead Council: Michael Lohan, arrested twice for securities fraud, DUI, and beating up his own brother-in-law.

PEREZ HILTON – CAMPAIGN MANAGER

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When it came to choosing a campaign manager for Brit and Lindsay, nobody is more qualified than the original gangsta’ of gossip, Perez Hilton. Perez knows Britney and Lindsay better than their own mothers (and certainly their fathers.) More importantly, Perez has weathered and won lawsuit after lawsuit; beating down all comers with only a pocket-sized copy of the first amendment. Why is this important, you ask? Because this campaign is gonna’ get the shit sued out of it. These girls are the biggest liabilities since the Hindenburg and putting them together in the same room could split the atom. They needed a campaign manager who understands balance. A man with a unique brand of insanity who can control the girls when he wants, but also provoke them to new heights in personal destruction. Perez Hilton is the man for the job.

~How can I play a part?~

Buy the bumper sticker and help change the world. Where does the money go? There are one of two possibilities: Britney and Lindsay will either save all humanity or buy (a lot of) drugs. You don’t decide. Britney says, “I want to see this bumper sticker on every American and Japanese made piece of shit in the U.S.”

Click here to order Spears – Lohan Rehabilitate ’08 bumper sticker

(A portion of proceeds will benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation for cancer research)
Lindsay Lohan’s own lawyer has already purchased ten bumper stickers. We’re not kidding! He actually has! Check out the hysterical story.

Continue Reading: Rehabilitate in ’08 – Spears-Lohan for President!

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Dee:
Britney Spears has returned home from her padded hotel. She’s said to be resting, but still bat-shit crazy.
John:
We can’t wait to see what happens next in this soap popera.

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Photo courtesy of perezhilton.com.
Photo courtesy of tob.hollywood.com.

Dee:
This is where the line between celebrity gossip and heart breaking news is blurred. There’s no sense making a mockery out of this story so I’ll just get down to it. Last night around 7 PM TMZ reported that Britney Spears‘ Beverly Hills home was surrounded by police cars, fire trucks, an ambulance and a police chopper after Britney refused to give up her two kids, as per court orders, to K-Fed‘s bodyguard. After a four hour stand-off between Britney and the cops, which drew the the likes of Britney’s lawyers, K-fed, and the rest of the media world, Britney finally released her kids to Ferderline and the LAPD. It is around this time that the cops realized that Britney was ” under the influence of an unknown substance”. Continue Reading: What happened last night at Britney’s house???