Hook ’em when they’re young

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John:
Pictures have surfaced of Britney Spears teaching her child ‘how to be a Spears.’ Yes, that’s a diaper on the little guy. After the smoke, Britney is going to teach Sean-Preston other Spears’ family traditions like cardboard sled racing and grenade fishing.

Britney loses her kids for good because of bad genes

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Darby Gunpowder:
In not-so-shocking news, the high courts decided that Britney’s kids are better off being raised by the lesser of 2 evils, Kevin Federline. Accorind to MSN,

Attorneys for Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline met with a Los Angeles Superior Court commissioner in closed chambers Friday morning. A court spokesman says no formal settlement has been filed.

E! News is reporting that the parties agreed that Federline will get complete legal and physical custody of the two boys and Spears will have expanded visitation rights.

“The case has been settled,” Kaplan told E!. “The court still has to approve it.”

Spears will now have three visits a week from Sean Preston and Jayden James, with at least two overnight visits, her attorney, Laura Wasser, told The Associated Press. Spears was granted one overnight visitation per week in late June.

Although we tried our hardest to sneak into the courtroom, (Bob the Bitch’s assault rifle went off in metal detector) we’re sure K-Fed’s attorney’s just brought in the above photo and pointed to it. Done n done.

Britney Spears gets new wig and shock collar

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Darby Gunpowder:
I have been saying it for years: Britney Spears doesn’t need professional, psychological help, she just needs a shock collar. Boom Done. Finally someone had the smarts to cage this beast -I just hope that someone has a jumpy trigger finger. Reputable sources leaked the new shock therapy system they are using on Brit:

  • Britney picks up a pair of hair trimmers = 8 shocks
  • Britney speaks in a British voice = 2 shocks
  • Britney microwaves a Hungry Man TV dinner = 3 shocks
  • Britney takes the elevator instead of the stairs = 1 shock
  • Britney dates a paparazzi terrorist = 10 shocks
  • Britney shows crotch = 6 shocks (if shaved) 30 shocks (not shaved)
  • Britney raises her kids = 0 shocks because she can’t anyway

Spears gets time with kids but who’s the chick behind her?

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John:
Is that girl her new bodyguard or some kind of ninja? The last time I saw a jaw like that it was getting punched by Rocky Balboa. That girl just looks mean, boy, like those snakes that spit in your eye and blind you before eating you whole.
Anyway, Britney Spears has been awarded overnights with her two children in a limited capacity-
Sorry, do you think she’s like a robot or cyborg sent from the future to destroy all men? I’m going to call my buddies who live near Britney on Mulholland and tell them they might want to clear out for a couple days just to be safe.

It’s never rude to stare at a Mini Britney Spears

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Darby Gunpowder:
When life throws you lemons, dress up in red spandex and change your name to Mini Britney Spears. Meet Terra Jole: 4’2″ sensation hailing from munchkinland Austin TX. She sings, she dances, she brings happiness and hope to the vertically challenged everywhere. And just in case you are wondering, NO, there are no crotch-shots of Mini Spears floating around…yet. Rock on with your bad-self Mini Brit -remember to wear those panties and never let anyone tell you you’re too short to ride!!!

Check out Mini Brit’s fansite HERE