Derober

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As any reputable celebrity will tell you, stalkers come with the territory. If your a celeb, you can only cross your fingers that you get a good one. In Britney’s case, she got a perverted stalker, which is one notch better than a death-threat stalker. So that’s good. OK magazine has all the sweet details:

“It started about six weeks ago with just letters being sent once a week,” a source who has seen the packages reveals to OK!. “And then it quickly escalated to larger packages that now arrive two to three times a week — always to the same L.A. address, but never to one of Britney’s homes.”

And according to the source, it’s a good thing these boxes never made it to the still-recovering singer’s doorstep, because what’s inside could not be good for her mental state.

“The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender-colored, battery-operated sex toy,” the source tells OK!. “Still with the price tag on it.” And alongside the mechanical apparatus are two letters — one handwritten and one written on a computer — both threatening and pornographic in nature.

“The handwritten one is on note paper and it’s written in a crazy, all-caps chicken scratch,” says the source, who adds that the five-page typed letter contains vivid, pornographic details of the writer’s fantasy exploits with Britney, none of which can be printed here.

Perhaps the scariest item inside the package is what some believe to be a picture of the sender — a middle-aged Caucasian male with stringy, greasy hair — with the eyes cut out of the photo, in which he appears to be squirting some sort of yellowish liquid into his open mouth.

“It’s like something from a bad movie,” says the source. “If I hadn’t seen it myself, I wouldn’t believe it.”

Continue Reading: Britney Spears’ twisted stalker details exposed

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Photo Credit: The Superficial
John:
In an act of sheer lunacy, Brooke Shields ripped a page out of Britney’s fashion book titled, “Trailerdrobe.” The paparazzi all thought it was Britney of course. When they finally figured it out, everybody was sad. Really, really, sad about the whole darn thing.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This morning Ryan Seacrest unleashed a titanic dump on the world via a Britney Spears/Heidi Montag Duet. The results were…unstable. Scientists are reporting the San Andreas fault just doubled in width. Meanwhile, Britney is denying that she gave Heidi permission to release the song. But like a fart on ‘taco Tuesday’ the song just won’t go away. It seeps into our collective minds and stains our underpants with ruthless disregard for the law. Good luck, listeners, and Godspeed.

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Calmer than you are dude…

The shit-show continues. It’s official Britney cannot have a normal life in Los Angeles. She needs to get the f#*@k out before it’s too late.

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Photo courtesy of pagesix.com.

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
It had been weeks since I saw Britney Spears‘ dreaded pink rug. I did everything to pray that I never saw it again. I lit candles at St. Judes’ Church and lumberyard, I chopped the heads off of all my pink haired trolls, and I converted to Islam. And all was going well until this morning when Britney’s British bastard cousin Amy Winehouse turned up wearing the wig. And so begins 1000 years of darkness. Sorry everyone. I’ve failed you.

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According to Star Magazine, Adnan is bragging to his friends that he knocked Britney up and is set for life.

“Britney is Adnan’s dream come true. He knows that if he has a child with Brit, he’ll be made for life,” one friend of Adnan’s tells Star.”

Wow, the world’s shittiest mom is going to have another baby. That’s like allowing OJ Simpson to get married again and we all know that story ends. In other news, Britney’s parents are on the verge of suicide.

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