Derober

Darby Gunpowder:
Welcome to “The Perfect Celebrity” brought to you by Adobe Photoshop!!! Ever wonder what would happen if you could slice up the world’s hottest celebs and reassemble their best features into a super-hybrid, perfect celebrity? Before rolling your mouse over the photos, try and guess what celebrity’s body parts were used to create the surprisingly disappointing “perfect” celebrities.

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Let me say the only drunk I know with superpowers is Bill Murray. In Hancock, Sony’s summer tent pole, Will Smith plays a hard-living superhero boozehound that saves lives but leaves far too much damage in his wake. Hancock is forced to reform himself because the LA municipal system is tired of cleaning up after him. The premise is quirky but a bit shaky. Join us as we explore the reasons this superhero movie could be the summer’s first super-flop.

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#1. Will Smith joined the cult of Scientology

I didn’t believe it at first (shock is always the first stage), but will Smith has joined Tom Cruise’s Messianic quest for alien supremacy. Together, Will and Tom will fight to bring brainwashing, extortion, and alien worship to its Xenu zenith.

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#2. Will Smith is no Christian Bale

I like my superheroes like I like my coffee, tall, dark, and in a black suit.

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#3. Poor signal strength

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#4. Hasn’t Will Smith has saved the world enough already

It started in ’96 when Randy Quaid flew an F-16 up a UFO’s ass and Will Smith got all the credit. After the second Men in Black saving the world was old hat. By my count Will has saved the world from annihilation six times already. Is Hancock some sick way of handicapping Will? Did Sony figure he’d already saved the world with guns and science, why a bottle of Canadian Club and some B.O.?

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#5. Smith made the set of Hancock into a mobile Scientology promotion center

Smith set up a Scientology tent on the set of Hancock for curious cast members who wanted to put intergalactic black holes in their wallets. Also, On film sets it’s traditional for stars to give ‘wrap gifts’ to the crew. Smith’s gift when Hancock wrapped was a card good for a free ‘personality test’ at the local Church of Scientology. The personality tests are already free by the way. Being an outspoken member of Scientology does for box office earnings what lightning did for the Hindenburg. Proof here.

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. Continue Reading: 10 reasons Hancock will probably suck

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John:
During a recent interview, Charlize Theron confessed to being young and dumb. When she first arrived in LA from South Africa, she got in a cab and said “Take me to Hollywood.” The cab driver with a since of irony took her to the Farmer’s Daughter hotel. Charlize recalls, “At the time, that hotel was renting rooms by the hour. It took me a gallon of bleach on those sheets to finally get some sleep.”
WTF? You mean to tell me that after the cabbie dropped her off, she actually stayed the night? The hotel is called the Farmer’s Daughter! In every joke ever told on this planet, doesn’t the Farmer’s Daughter always get, well, you know, farmed?

In related news, Asylum has discovered Hookers for Jesus…Jesus.

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Dee:
Let’s get this going! This is the very best ‘who wore it’ competition in the blogosphere. Where else can you roll over an image? Cast your vote and let’s see a winner!

If you like this, check our our homepage!

more at twiigs.com…

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Leo says:
Esquire magazine tattooed Charlize Thereon as the Sexiest woman alive in 2007. I couldn’t agree more; I have been a Charlize fan through the good times (raping Keanu Reeves in Devil’s Advocate) and the bad (Monster). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard Monster was a great movie, but I just couldn’t bare to see my life crush looking like she had scurvy. Congrats CT!

John Says:
Shit, Leo! Don’t do that. If you can’t bare to see the crush of your life looking like that, then please just turn her into an angel riding a unicorn into heaven. Don’t roll over this image! Simply skip down to Zack Efron looking pretty until we derobe him.