Derober

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John:
It’s my d*ick in a box! Hayden Panettiere celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday. I love this chick, she’ll put on a sorcorer’s hat, yank a dog into a pool, and throw in a nipple slip to boot. She’s dangerous. Like a little rock star on training wheels. If you can find the nipple slip below, I’ll give you a shiny nickel. Goooood luck!

For more on Hayden’s evolution from striptease to nip slip click here.

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John:
Hayden Panettier attended The Whaleman Foundation benefit held at Eva Longoria’s Beso restaurant in LA on Monday (photos below). The Whaleman Foundation is an oceanic research, conservation, and production organization dedicated to preserving and protecting dolphins, whales, and their ocean habitat.
These creatures must be nurtured and cared for or else their meat will not be tender enough to eat.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So for her unemotional faced boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia, Hayden Panettiere decided to give a surprise striptease for the actor’s 31st birthday. According to sources,

Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.

This may be true, but Hayden will always remember her striptease roots while she spent summers with me in the golden hills of Tuscany. She was only 13 the time, and I 2 score, but we were in love…and in Italy, so it was legal. I can only imagine every time she sees an old man on a bench in the park she thinks of me and my luscious lap. She left Tuscany for Hollywood by the age of 14 but I will never forget those passionate nights of nut grinding and ass motorboating. I know you’re still saving your good stuff for me, Hayden. And I hope you never forget where you got your lapdancing chops from. God knows I won’t.

Here are a few pics of Hayden in the early days struggling to master the craft of stripteasing.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You probably thought I was referring to Hayden’s new brunette hair rather than an ass full of shit–but you’d be wrong. I’ve got class like Paris Hilton has charm. Anyways, this is Hayden Panettiere on the set of the third season of Heroes. And by the looks of it they’re going with a darker edge this season because all people with dark hair worship Satan. Didn’cha know? I for one can’t wait to see the transformation to the dark side. Cause that means someone either dies or gets pregnant and I just can’t help myself from playing spectator to the great circle of life. I’m a romantic like that.

Babies and tits, ladies. That’s my philosophy.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
If you’re like me you sit around in your PJs all day trying to unlock the rubik’s cube that is Hayden Panettiere. You ask questions like ,”How do I get closer to Hayden?,” “does Hayden like men with beer bellies and no IRA account?,” And “will Hayden guzzle down a gallon of Drano if I ask her to?” These are the questions that matter. And I’m proud to say I’ve at least unlocked the secret to a hardcore make-out session with Hayden Panettiere. It goes something like this–be a girl. Or at least trick her into believing you are one. According to Hayden herself she loved to make-out with girls when she was growing up in order to hone in on her skills. Hayden explains,

It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique!”

Hayden forgot to mention social outcasts like me that never get girlfriends and have to learn vicariously through other people…on the internet. It’s almost as good as the real thing. You know like riding a bike and imagining it’s a Ferrari.

God, I hate my life.

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