Hayden: get your shit together, it’s embarrasing.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Remember when gas was $.99/gallon, The Soviet Union was communist, Spencer Pratt didn’t exist, and Hayden Panettiere was adorable and didn’t have opinions? Aahhh the good ol’ days….
Our first post on Derober featured Hayden Panettire because she was wearing a bikini and looked so hot and innocent. The world has watched Hayden grow up from the cute little coach’s daughter in Remember the Titans to indestructible cheerleader on Heroes -and we have been disappointed on so many levels. First, she never grew the boobs I’m still waiting for. Second, she eats whales. Third, she’s phoning in her performance on Heroes this season. And finally, she’s assembling her appearance in a Samantha Ronson meets Arnold Palmer backup singer motif, and it smells horrible.

Update: I’m not really sure how I can sit on my high horse and pass judgment on celebrities all day, but no ones told me to stop, so I’ll keep doing it.

I don’t know which is more embarrassing, going out in public looking like Hayden did or forgetting the lyrics to the National Anthem at a professional basketball game….? You be the judge.

Happy Birthday Hayden! I got a serprise fer you!

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John:
It’s my d*ick in a box! Hayden Panettiere celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday. I love this chick, she’ll put on a sorcorer’s hat, yank a dog into a pool, and throw in a nipple slip to boot. She’s dangerous. Like a little rock star on training wheels. If you can find the nipple slip below, I’ll give you a shiny nickel. Goooood luck!

For more on Hayden’s evolution from striptease to nip slip click here.

Hayden (still) likes her whales like she likes her coffee

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John:
Hayden Panettier attended The Whaleman Foundation benefit held at Eva Longoria’s Beso restaurant in LA on Monday (photos below). The Whaleman Foundation is an oceanic research, conservation, and production organization dedicated to preserving and protecting dolphins, whales, and their ocean habitat.
These creatures must be nurtured and cared for or else their meat will not be tender enough to eat.

Hayden striptease, eh..she could do better

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
So for her unemotional faced boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia, Hayden Panettiere decided to give a surprise striptease for the actor’s 31st birthday. According to sources,

Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.

This may be true, but Hayden will always remember her striptease roots while she spent summers with me in the golden hills of Tuscany. She was only 13 the time, and I 2 score, but we were in love…and in Italy, so it was legal. I can only imagine every time she sees an old man on a bench in the park she thinks of me and my luscious lap. She left Tuscany for Hollywood by the age of 14 but I will never forget those passionate nights of nut grinding and ass motorboating. I know you’re still saving your good stuff for me, Hayden. And I hope you never forget where you got your lapdancing chops from. God knows I won’t.

Here are a few pics of Hayden in the early days struggling to master the craft of stripteasing.

Hayden Penettiere goes brown

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You probably thought I was referring to Hayden’s new brunette hair rather than an ass full of shit–but you’d be wrong. I’ve got class like Paris Hilton has charm. Anyways, this is Hayden Panettiere on the set of the third season of Heroes. And by the looks of it they’re going with a darker edge this season because all people with dark hair worship Satan. Didn’cha know? I for one can’t wait to see the transformation to the dark side. Cause that means someone either dies or gets pregnant and I just can’t help myself from playing spectator to the great circle of life. I’m a romantic like that.

Babies and tits, ladies. That’s my philosophy.