Try the watermelons…

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John:
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have taken grocery shopping to new lows. I met Heidi once at a party and do you know what she said to me? She said, “Ok, nice ta’ meecha’ have a happy day.” It was 10pm at the time but I didn’t want to correct her. Heidi was already chewing gum and trying to walk at the same time and I didn’t want to pile too much on her plate. The poor girl’s head might explode.

Heidi Montag music video for millineum impaired

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John:
Apparently, Heidi Montag is still allowed to make music. Here she is filming ‘Overdosin‘. Lemme guess, it’s a play on the old 80’s workout video? Lemme guess again! Heidi likes one of the boys but can’t get close to him. He’s got a hot girlfriend and they’re exclusive. Heidi is gonna’ get his attention let me tell you. Heidi’s gonna have to win the boy with her incredible dance moves and sultry voice. The video ends when the guy pours gasoline all over himself, lights a match, and shoots himself.

In a perfect world…

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Darby Gunpowder:
In response to Andy Dick’s child molesting charges, the dynamic duo that is Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag went gun shopping. Clownshoes.
No one should sleep sound knowing that these two r-tards are wielding firearms. I’m all for the second amendment, but I would appreciate if gun store proprietors used a little discretion when peddling their murderous goods. Now I have to move to Iran for my own personal safety.

Prattag + Ed Hardy = Apocolypse

Darby Gunpowder:
My dream has come true: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag endorse Ed Hardy. Why is this a dream come true you ask??
Ed Hardy is the most horrific clothing line ever regurgitated by mankind (I have been to jail 17 times for hulking loogies on 17 separate strangers on the street wearing urban Hardy-clown suits). And Heidi Mantag and Spencer Pratt are the most horrific human beings ever regurgitated by their shameful parents. My logic: since everyone, including David Letterman, hates Prattag, everyone will now boycott Ed hardy. The combination is equivalent to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

Speaking of guns, Pratt and Montag are collecting firearms. According to thesuperficial,

“The couple visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif., on June 7 and spent more than $10,000 on guns to arm themselves. They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. “Spencer wants to be prepared for anything.”

PS. If you are wearing Ed Hardy while reading this, you are banned from Derober.com for life. Please leave now and go hang out with Spencer Pratt. Odds are, you’ll both be shot by accidental discharge.

Spencer’s ATM gets stuck inside an ATM

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John:
Heidi Montag walked into an ATM vestibule yesterday followed by paparazzi. On her way out, the door locked. My guess is Heidi pressed the wrong code more than 50 times and the ATM thought it was under attack by some sort of retarded monkey. So the paps photographed the monkey until she was re-released out into the wild. Good work, Heidi. Now get your ass home and give your pimp his cash.