Heidi Montag is dumber than a…

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If you guessed a sack of hammers, you are correct. Other acceptable answers:
a. A shopping cart
b. a small woodland creature
c. a utility sink
d. all of the above.

The White House Gala: No douchebags allowed

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Darby Gunpowder:
*I’d like to preface this article with my hatred for the word “gala.”

My invitation was lost to the White House Correspondents Gala, but Heidi Montag’s invite was revoked . . .by her boyfriend. She actually landed an invite to this gala event because she publicly endorsed John ‘Gala’ McCain. Spencer was not invited to the gala due to his condition of douche-gala-baggary, which is unspoken quarantine in my parts. As Heidi’s manager, Spencer pulled the plug on this gala appearance when didn’t get what he wanted,

He demanded first-gala-class tickets for both him and Heidi – even though he wasn’t invited to the gala.
When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

I have a theory that the world’s collective blood pressure would drop substantially if Spencer Pratt found his portal back to Narnia to kick it with fellow Centaurs and was never seen again. Heidi could then go on with her life, like a normal fem-bot, and attend gala upon gala until her motor’s content. Gala.

If Spencer Pratt makes you want to flush your body down to China to escape the same gala continent he lives one –Click Here

New Pratt-Montag reality show is the second coming

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My new flat screen is now endanger of a brick being thrown through it thanks to Heidi and Spencer’s new reality show. The dynamic duo is in talks with MTV for a reality show that would feature the road leading to their marriage/apocalypse. Spencer says,

“I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer.”

Well Spencer, I’m not a big fan of terrorists attacks and if Iran has their TV’s tuned in for your show, we’re all screwed. You would give them yet another reason to hate our country.

Heidi Montag releases new clothing line. Sweat shop owners rejoice

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Heidi Montag just unveiled her new clothing line Heidiwood at the Anchor Blue Fashion show at Hollywood and Highland. Heidi describes her new line as chic fashion meets affordability. More like disposable fabric meets the crack of my ass. The last time I saw an outfit like that I was on safari. God, just cue the keg.

Pratt-Montag Easter = Rabbit Hunting Season

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Darby Gunpowder:
Grab your guns, poison darts, reapers, whatever blunt objects you can get ahold of -it’s rabbit season. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were spotted out and about by their paid photographer sporting bunny ears, pastels and what appears to be a rental-kid. They were probably talking about how aces the weather on fantasy island is this time of year.