Derober

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
You thought you could get away with it, Hilary. You thought I’d just let it slide. But you made a fatal mistake, Hilary. You bought coffee from Starbucks. You bitch. That is the highest form of corporate whoring. The summit of selling out. A cornucopia of commercial excrement. Let this be a lesson now and forever that I DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH STARBUCKS CONSUMERS.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Alright, I know Hilary doesn’t like me spying on her. But it’s only been 3 weeks and she’s already swapping tongues with some jock hockey player. John what’s the douchebag’s name again??

Let it go, Bob

NAME!!!

Mike Comrie, psycho.

Mike. I’ve lost my Hilary to a guy named ‘Mike’. F#%^ing typical!. The mutant also happens to be seven years her senior, so sweet. And based on the photos being taken this morning it looks like the ass-clomping clown slept over at Hilary’s last night. Hil-dog, I know you miss me. We’ve all made mistakes and I forgive you. Come back to me and it will be like it never happened. I miss our paper origami ice-cream sessions. Please…I’ve had the same clothing on for three weeks. I need you back.

Disclaimer:
The content of this rant is one of fabrication. It is not to be taken as a legitimate news source.

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John:
What are those? Is the tribal council making you wear those things as some sort of punishment? You’re getting on a plane, Hil? Did you supersize the dream catchers so you don’t crash? Perhaps those are normal-size earrings and the witch doctor shrunk you after hearing you sing? Really, we want to know. What’s the deal?

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Dee:
2004 was a good year. I bought my first pair of Uggs and Cinderella Story was my guilty pleasure. Hilary actually walked the red carpet in pink All-Stars (did not purchase those). Which Hilary is your fav?

John:
I remember 2004. I hooked up with a girl wearing Uggs. Cinderella story was in my garbage can.

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Photo courtesy of egotastic.com

Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Teen queen, and notorious bad tipper, Hilary Duff is starting to look awfully robust in the chestal region as of late. Now, I couldn’t say, with ANY amount of certainty, that she had breast implants installed, but what I can say is that the thought of two water balloons used instead of implants brings a frightful tear of joy to my eye. Sometimes the Derober X-Ray machine is more than just insightful; sometimes, dare I say, it’s just plain fun.

Leo:
So you have no frame of reference, Bob. You’re like a child who wanders in the middle of a movie –What’s my point? Bob you probably think boobs, real or fake, feel like water balloons. I’m with ya Hillary -water balloons or not.

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