Derober

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John:
TMZ is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again. She took a pregnancy test and it came back baby. Jamie Lynn apparently thought that you couldn’t get pregnant if you were still breast feeding. On a related note, the lunar landings were faked on a soundstage in Burbank and rainbows aren’t real. According to the source,

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source. “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”
“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.
Her mother Lynne was livid when she found out, divulged an insider.

Lots of crying at the Spears’ camp. Why does everything they do end in tears? Don’t answer that.

UPDATE: I’m hearing word now that Jamie Lynn is not pregnant. Apparently, she just ate a really big meal and felt bloated. After a few hours she still felt full and just assumed the worst.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Bob ‘The Bitch’ just interrupted my Wii Fit yoga session to tell me breaking news: Jamie Lynn Spears delivered a human baby! My response,

Good story Bob. Guess what, I don’t give a shit. Now go get your shine box!!!

That was 4 hours ago. As you can see, the world is still spinning on its axis and no one will give a shit about Jamie or her baby by supper time today. For the 2 readers who do care about the details:

Gender: Girl
Name: Maddie Briann
Weight: 7 lbs, 11 oz
Health Status: 8 fingers, 10 toes, addicted to cigarettes
Location: Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss.
Daddy: probably Casey Aldridge
Percent White Trash: 28%

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John:
Fine, I have no idea if the water birth part is true but Jamie-Lynn Spears did birth to a baby girl this morning named Maddie Briann. We wish Jamie-Lynn the best of luck. Britney was spotted at LAX yesterday catching a commercial flight to see the new baby in Mississippi. Britney gave Jamie-Lynn the helpful parenting manual she made while pregnant with Sean Preston. Derober has obtained exclusive pictures of lil’ Maddie with a time machine we purchased from Wal-Mart. Enjoy.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Kentwood Louisiana woke up when mega-star Britney Spears showed up at her sister’s baby shower this past weekend. E! News did all the work for us again,

E! News has learned that mom and dad did all the cooking for the alcohol-free affair, which included fried chicken and chili.
Security was tight at Serenity, with police setting up a roadblock and checking IDs. By noon, only about 50 cars were allowed to enter, mostly filled with college-age men and women. There was no sign of Jamie Lynn’s baby daddy/fiancé, Casey Aldridge.

I’m calling bullshit that Mr and Mrs did all the cooking. Derober’s underage illegal immigrant camera boy caught Jamie Lynn and crony outside the local KFC loading their truck full of greasy goodness. This is another sure indicator that her closet-porker of a sister was in town. Get you some hauss!!!

Click here to check out Britney’s gut.

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Darby Gunpowder:
In keeping with the Spears tradition of raising kids without a father, Jamie Lynn has not been seen with her boyfriend Casey Alderidge in over a month. So unless he’s on sabbatical in Machu Pichu rediscovering himself -they broke up. Derober is not sure who did the breaking, so I’m going to flip a quarter and if it lands on tails, Jamie broke up with Casey and if it lands on heads Casey broke up with Jamie.

Hold.

The quarter fell behind my desk and the ensuing headrush of bending over to pick it up is not worth it. So I’ll make something up:

Casey never impregnated Jamie Lynn. It was in fact a boy named Cesar who empties the Porta-Potties every other day on the set of Zoey 101. The Spears camp found Casey through a Craigslist posting titled “need (white) boy to claim he impregnated our other f#@*ked up daughter – will pay you with a $50 gift certificate to TJ MAxx.”
And you know the rest