Derober

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Darby Gunpowder:
Jennifer Aniston was given the boot by John Mayer. If you are reading this within striking distance of Mayer -slap the r-tard out of him. Jennifer, if you need a shoulder to cry on my phone number is: 312-501-2002

“London (ANI): After weeks of whirlwind romance, Jennifer Aniston has been dumped by her rock singer beau John Mayer, say reports. The pair initially decided to spend some time apart, before making the break official. The news of the split with Gravity singer John comes just weeks after the couple were rumoured to be considering marriage.

“There’s been a bit of tension for some time,” the Mirror quoted a source, as saying. “They initially opted for a break, hoping a trial split might make them stronger. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to have worked. John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together.”

“She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children. Initially, Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she’s simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken. They have spoken on the phone since the split and are trying to remain on good terms. But unless John has a dramatic change of heart, it’s unlikely they’ll rekindle their romance,” the source added.”

And now for a reenactment of how the breakup went…

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I’m sorry, Jen. And I know how bad you wanted kids. If you need an answer to that pesky little problem I have a solution.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Jennifer Aniston may not be the specimen she was during her Friends years but she’s still got what it takes set your cock ablaze. And if you’re wondering whether or not that was a play on words just there, I’m not sure myself. All I know is that Jen is back with a full boat–tits over asses. Just like I like it. I bet you for the first time since their breakup Brad Pitt is actually questioning whether he’d rather be with Jennifer or the post pregnant misses at home. I mean don’t get me wrong, I doubt Brad is reeling too much. There’s always option C: bang every hot bitch in the free world and then buy your wife a bigger ring. But still, in between shitting and drinking his morning coffee today Brad must’ve given some thought to how much he missed tattooing Jennifer’s lovely ass. Either or the gloves are off. Jennifer would like all those people who think she’s dried up to go f#ck themselves.

And you know what, Jen, I intend to shortly.

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Darby Gunpowder:
Welcome to “The Perfect Celebrity” brought to you by Adobe Photoshop!!! Ever wonder what would happen if you could slice up the world’s hottest celebs and reassemble their best features into a super-hybrid, perfect celebrity? Before rolling your mouse over the photos, try and guess what celebrity’s body parts were used to create the surprisingly disappointing “perfect” celebrities.

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John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue their Miami PDA fest. Sadly, it’s come time for me to admit that John Mayer has more game than Parker Bros. Darby, Bob ‘the Bitch’ and I actually called an emergency Derober house summit last night about this. Once ‘the Bitch’ returned from 7-Eleven with my Sour Patch Kids, we summited.
The Conclusion:
John Mayer’s music makes deaf babies cry. However, banging Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, and Jennifer Aniston is sex’s Triple Crown. John has taken them all down and for that we must give him the respect he deserves. The Derobers have no other choice but to illegally download his albums and celebrate his entire collection.

John recently went ‘Dress Diving’ in Aniston’s fun bags here.

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