Derober

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John:
If they both had tiny heads! Look, people with tiny heads getting divorced are hilarious. It’s science.  JLo and that sewer rat might be headed for The Big D according to US,

“He’s very, very controlling of her,” a close Anthony pal tells Us. “The skirts aren’t as short. You don’t see so much of that booty anymore.” The new Us Weekly also reports that Anthony also picks out Lopez’s clothes and keeps tabs on her phone calls.

This will be the end of JLo’s 3rd marriage and the beginning of her 4th ass.

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John:
I’m pretty sure that Mark Anthony is not allowed to be near water or fed after midnight. But here he is tempting fate, I guess. JLo and Gizmo are on vacation in Italy, probably on my yacht but the picture is all grainy and I can’t tell. If it is, they didn’t ask me and I hope they can sense my anger.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Ok, so that wasn’t much of a real question. Of course great big asses think alike. They stick up for one another. Asking why Kim idolizes Jennifer Lopez is like asking a grenade why it likes explosions. Or asking a mustache why it loves Burt Renolds. They’re just meant to be thought of in the same sentence. And as a psych minor myself I can point out that similar looking people generally..drumrole please…..like to associate with similar looking people. It’s why hot chicks hang with hot chicks. Jocks with jocks. And it’s probably why I admire anyone that is shorter than me. Because just like J-Lo’s ass makes Kim’s ass look ‘not so fat’, shorter people make me feel less like a dwarf.

It’s science.

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Photo credit: PBS

John:
J-Lo and her ward, Mark Anthony, have graced us with their children’s names. They are called Emme and Max. The two are named after brother and sister named Max and Emmy on the PBS show, Dragon Tales (actually a good show).
We wish the twins all the best. Sadly, their parents are so out of touch they couldn’t tell you what a gallon of milk costs. Hell, they were so paranoid about somebody stealing their babies at the hospital, they hired an army of foot soldiers to protect them. Parlor bet: Emme’s first word will be Dior.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
For those women out there who’re either pregnant or have been pregnant, did you ever have the thought that there was a plot out there to kidnap your baby?? Didn’t think so. But then again you’re probably not bat-shit crazy like Jennifer Lopez. According to Life and Style magazine, J-Lo and hubby Marc Anthony are increasing the hospital security dramatically:

“The hospital reportedly stepped up its security drills, which involve locking down the hospital in case a baby is kidnapped or otherwise vanishes. “They practiced the alerts twice a week in early February,” says a staffer. “That definitely had to do with J.Lo.”
“Babies have been kidnapped before,” a friend notes. “Jennifer had obvious concerns about security.”

And why wouldn’t a bat-shit crazy woman have her concerns. After all she’s only human..? I say, if your gonna do this do it right. Wear the army fatigues, carry the Rambo knife, plant all the boobie traps you can get your hands on, and strap on enough artillery to drown a small elephant. Because you never can be too sure.

(Warning–This advice is not intended for sane people)