Derober

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

John:
Jessica Alba is posing for Campari Liquor? For those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure of drinking Campari, I’ll fill you in. It tastes like bitter ass juice. No joke, one time my roommate and I were jonesing for some liquor and Campari was the only thing we had left. I’d never tasted it but my roommate turns to me and says, “We’re gonna’ need some Grapefruit Juice to cut the Campari.”

So there that is. Jessica Alba is selling liquor that tastes so f*cking bad, the only thing that will make it taste better is the worst fruit juice ever made.

Darby Gunpowder:

I’ve recently fallin out of love with Jessica Alba for her controversial ‘Declare Yourself’ ad. I’ve also lost my crush on Hayden Panettiere for never growing boobs and having an opinion. But losing my effection for these  fallen stars is not enough. I now declare war on these two cheese-dicks for their recent parody video for the ‘Muzzler 2008’ infomercial. Grab a barf bag before watching this video, and by all means, don’t sit through the whole thing as you may become dehydrated and satanic.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

Darby Gunpowder:
Attention America: if you don’t vote, you will be muzzled.

Jessica Alba is yet another celebrity who is trying to sway the young vote for the upcoming election. The organization, Declare Yourself* managed to talk Jessica into wearing a Hannibal Lector mask for their latest ad (PR stunt).

Dumb. Movie stars, musicians, reality stars, house pets and The Jonas Brothers have no business in politics. We used to live in a country For the people, by the people and now we live in a pop-culture based society (you’re on a celebrity gossip blog right now reading this) where it’s For the people, by the celebrity that told me think this way because I’m a lemming. Yet another reason our country is going down the toilet. It’s sad that our next president will be elected by “popular” vote, not because of his stance on major issues, but because it’s en vogue. We have literally regressed back to 6th grade and thousands of ignorant votes will be cast for the same reason you bought the same pair of jeans that J-Lo was wearing -she’s popular. I am not referring to McCain or Obama specifically at all -I’m just looking at the bigger picture. I don’t care either way because I am Jamaican today (you should see the heat I’m packin’).

.

*Declare Yourself is a national nonpartisan, nonprofit campaign to empower and encourage every eligible 18-year-old in America to register and vote.

FYI: Although Declare Yourself prides themselves on bipartisanship, Jessica Alba, their new spokesperson, is voting for Obama/Biden

Oh, and Jessica, stick to what you know best: making shitty movies and prancing around like the hot retard you are.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

John:
Jessica Alba sucked when she was pregnant but all is forgiven now. 4 months later? Did the hospital bed she gave birth in come with a complimentary treadmill? I’ll bet she spends 2 hours a day just bench-pressing her kid. I would google the kid’s name but I know our readers don’t care. They only respond to words like ‘bikini’, ‘uncensored’, and ‘Kardashian dumper.’ Sickos.

~ Roll mouse over photo to Derobe ~

But What Were the Signs Thinking?

John:
My friend from On205th and he sent me these pictures of Jessica Alba’s new rack today. I’m not a scientist but they look bigger than before. Alba always looks like a cold-blooded killer in public but I think that’s what I like about her. The rush of asking for an autograph knowing I could get my throat cut is the perfect storm of danger and sexy.

UPDATE: A scientist called and told me Jessica’s tits are bigger than before. Thanks, scientist!