Alba’s post-pregnancy boobs are better, a side-inside comparison.

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I . . . I couldn’t help myself

John:
Did you ever catch yourself saying, “Jessica Alba’s boobs would be perfect if they were just a little bigger.” Well my friend I’ve got some lactating news for you, Alba just went perfect. It happened last night around 5pm when Alba and her crap-husband sold their baby pics for 1.5 million dollars. Alba took the money from OK! Magazine and added, “Thanks for the cash and, oh yeah, my tits are amazing.” It made perfect sense then and it makes perfect sense now.

Whoever said, “there’s no use crying over spilled perfume” is full of shit

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Darby Gunpowder:
It turns out that Jessica Alba was not wearing a fake pregnancy suit after all. Damn the devil!!! The future Mrs Gunpowder gave birth to our human baby girl this weekend. TheSuperficial reports,

She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
Alba’s father was overheard saying “she’s beautiful.” Warren — in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap — was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday. Her rep had no comment.

Who am I kidding, I’m not ready to be a father. Cash Warren is going to raise the baby with Jessica as per our arrangement -this is just until I grow up and take responsibility for the little bugger. But I’ll be ready soon, I’m sure of it. Until then, I’ll be on sabbatical, finger painting with lambs blood and burning copies of Into the Blue 2 DVD’s.

Alba marries Cash Warren

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John:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren in LA at City Hall today. There was no fanfare… at all. People reports:

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds.

Their wedding sounds more like a trip to the DMV or possibly my anus. Keep in mind that the couple had broken up just weeks before Alba got pregnant because Warren couldn’t keep Mr. Bigglesworth in his pants. I guess drilling one of the most beautiful women on the planet just isn’t enough sometimes. Alba better keep that boy on a tight leash. Derober would like to wish the Jessica and Cash a happy marriage and a speedy divorce. I give the whole thing 7 months.

Jessica Alba at the beach and I don’t care

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Yesterday in what stock analysts are calling the worst Jessica Alba photo shoot on record, Alba and fiance Cash Warren bored us all to tears. The two were spotted hugging, kissing, playing Scrabble, and watching water evaporate on a Malibu beach. If that wasn’t bad enough, Jessica Alba wore the most unrevealing dehydrated piss colored ensemble I’ve ever seen. For those of you who feel you’ve been cheated by this ‘Alba Beach photo shoot’, this after photo is for you. Enjoy.

Jessica Alba leads tormented life

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Leo:
Some girls are teased in grade school because they have braces or acne or a glass eye, but not Jessica Alba -she was teased for something much worse. After falling from heaven at the young age of 13, the fully developed Alba was teased for her, ahem…profile. According to Pagesix.com,

“Jessica Alba knows the trauma of developing a big chest at an early age – she says she was labeled a sixth-grade slut by her elementary school principal and a couple of “self-righteous” PTA moms. “The accusation still ricochets… They think I’m a slut?”

Alba recalls in “If I’d Known Then,” Ellyn Spragins’ upcoming book of essays by female celebrities. Alba adds: “Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they’re about 20 or 21… It’s fun to have a crush, but don’t think it’s forever… And use birth control and condoms, please.”

Boy were they wrong. Good thing Jessica is not allegedly cheating on her boyfriend or pregnant…wait-