Derober

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John:
I don’t know what Jebbica Simpson’s been doing over past couple months but one thing in certain, it has involved food. Jessica has a big problem brewing here. Nobody likes her because she’s smart or talented if you know what I mean. Right now I wouldn’t hire her if she applied for a Wal-Mart greeter. She’s gotta turn this ship around and do it fast. If not, I’m going to scratch her off my ‘top 10 women to fall asleep on after I sleep with them’ list. 

OK, I’ve had enough of this. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines while this strumpet vexes America’s team. I’ve compiled a list of scientifically accurate reasons that Romo should give Simpson the boot …for good.

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#1 Jessica Simpson is a Succubus.

suc·cu·bus Pronunciation Key – [suhk-yuh-buhs]
n. A demon in female form sent to drain the life out of men while they sleep.

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#2 Jessica Simpson is a Liar

Jessica Simpson claims to eat meat, but she actually feeds on the athletic prowess of her victims; their athletic souls. Nick Lachey said,

“Before I married Jess, I could dunk a basketball. I haven’t gotten rim in 5 years.”

Tony Romo says,

My finger hurts

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#3 Jessica Simpson will look like crap in 10 years

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#4 Jessica Simpson Isn’t Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood actually has talent

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#5 Jessica Simpson Looks Like a Garbage Pail Kid

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Continue Reading: 10 Reasons Tony Romo Must Break Up With Jessica Simpson

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John:
Jessica Simpson’s boobs appear to be getting larger. Last night Jessica hit the town with her best friend and stylist, Ken Paves. On their way out of the club, Ken got hit in the face with paparazzi’s camera. Photos below show him bleeding to death.
This proves once and for all that getting close to Jessica Simpson means almost certain personal injury. Romo’s finger is broken and now her best friend is decapitated. Just making eye contact with her could mean certain death. Lucky, for me, I never look her in the face.

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Darby Gunpowder:
With all the criticism Jessica Simpson has gotten lately, we figured a some nice words were in order for the country/pop star: Nice crack Jess.
Sorry, that’s all I could muster…

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John:
Jessica Simpson went on Good Morning America today and she stopped singing half way into the set because she couldn’t hear a thing. Tell me about it, sister. Click here for that whole shit show. It’s not like people are showing up to hear Jessica sing anyway. The host might as well say, “Now let’s wheel out Juggie McJuggerson. Apparently, Juggs is going to make some noises today but we’re told that’s part of the act so don’t be alarmed. Enjoy!”