So what really causes kidney infections, doc?

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John:
Jessica Simpson was recently rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital for treatment of a kidney infection. She has since been released and Jess is doing just fine. I was willing to let it go until Bob ‘the Bitch’ tugged at my shorts and said, “King (the little guy calls me King) “King what really causes a kidney infection?” In women, there are three likely causes:
#1 – Strep Throat
Jessica had strep throat which led to a more serious condition. This hypothesis bores us and we have therefore undiagnosed this as a possible cause.
#2 – Deep Throat
E. Coli bacteria could have been ingested when Jessica went on her one of her notorious raw chicken benders.
#3 – The likely story
But, as many of you girls know, “kidney infection” is generally a very kind way of saying, “I have way too much rough sex, tend to suffer from chronic UTI syndrome, and it kinda caught up with me, doc.” Kidney infections are most often caused by untreated UTIs and UTIs are often caused by bacteria like the kind created during sex. It’s important to note that if Jessica contracted a kidney infection from rough sex, that’s awesome. Eating raw chicken and getting a throat tickle are not newsworthy infections, people. Sex is a much better way to get sick for the blogosphere.

The Derobers have put together a pictorial of what Simpson used to look like before her tragic affliction.

We just got robbed

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John:
As Jessica Simpson got out of her car, she was pretty focused for a retarded girl. Hours prior when her mom hugged Jessica goodbye she said, “Don’t forget to cover your goodies, Jess.” And when that door opened, Jessica was reciting to herself, “Summer your footies?” “Hover your puddies?” “Lumber your tootsies?” “Cover!” “Cover my goodies!”…and so it goes.

Star Maps: Jessica Simpson’s Nashville home address

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27 Northumberland Nashville, TN 37215
Click Here
for Directions to the Jessica Simpson’s Nashville Home

Owner: Jessica Simpson
Year Built: 1987
Purchase Price: $3,500,000
Rooms: 19
Square Feet: 10,925
Lot: 2.01 acres
Bedrooms: 7
Bathrooms: 10
Amenities: Tennis Court, Swimming Pool, Home theater

It’s rumored that tig-ol-bitty herself is swapping her acting career for a country music career and moving to Tennessee.
Derober would like to report Jessica Simpson has good taste by purchasing this plush southern mansion, but when you spend $3.5 million dollars in Tennessee, you’re not getting a double-wide decorated by Flava-Flav. It’s science.
We’ll keep you updated on Simpson’s career move, but our Magic Eight Ball just told us “Outlook Not So Good.” Waahhh, waahhh.

Check out other celebrity mansions here .

Jessica Simpson helps spread joy in Kuwait

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
This week, Jessica Simpson spent time with US troops in Kuwait for Operation Myspace. The results were less than stable. Soldiers turned on one another, ‘Code-Reds’ were ordered, and we just got word that a reported 15 fighter jet planes have crashed due to an apparent ‘lack of concentration’. But it’s a small price to pay for an unbelievable piece of tail. Good morale is essential in combat. Just ask my 5th grade sex-ed teacher, Mr. Steinberg.

Jessica Simpson denies release of exercise tape. Fat people outraged

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Bob ‘The Bitch’
:
Back in 2005 Jessica Simpson was in a bit of a rut. So much so that she apparently stared in her own exercise video tape just to make a little extra cash. Alex Astilean, the owner of Speedfit claims Jess signed a multi-million dollar contract with him to star in an exercise tape produced by his company. But the finished tape is currently being blocked by Jess from public release. Pagesix reported:

“Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million — and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, “They are hurting millions of fat people in America.”

Oh, well since you made it about the ‘fat people’, Alex, I’m gonna take your side on this one. Besides who wouldn’t like to see Jessica in vintage 80’s aerobic spandex telling us how to keep our asses in shape? Oh, you want some squat thrusts?? I’ll give you all the squat thrusts you can handle, Jess. Mmmm, that hurts. It hurts so good.

I may in fact need help.