Derober

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John:
Sometimes as a blogger you come across a picture and just smile really big. Here, John Mayer is lobbing the world’s biggest soft ball right into my wheelhouse. What is he thinking? Did Johnny boy put a racing number on his car? Racing stripes are subtle and classy I think. The only way this car could get any worse is if he put a strobe light and a fog horn on it.

John is in Beverly Hills here on his way to meet Jennifer Aniston for lunch. We’re told he ordered the roasted lamb on a toasted raisin brioche with a side of peppermint douche.

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John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue their Miami PDA fest. Sadly, it’s come time for me to admit that John Mayer has more game than Parker Bros. Darby, Bob ‘the Bitch’ and I actually called an emergency Derober house summit last night about this. Once ‘the Bitch’ returned from 7-Eleven with my Sour Patch Kids, we summited.
The Conclusion:
John Mayer’s music makes deaf babies cry. However, banging Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, and Jennifer Aniston is sex’s Triple Crown. John has taken them all down and for that we must give him the respect he deserves. The Derobers have no other choice but to illegally download his albums and celebrate his entire collection.

John recently went ‘Dress Diving’ in Aniston’s fun bags here.

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well despite my best efforts John Mayer has managed to hook up with another knock-out. According to In Touch magazine, John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are inseparable. John flew in to Miami just this past weekend to visit Jen at her $3,000 a night presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental. For the record John was checked in at the Four Seasons, but spent nearly all his time with Jen. And when asked about his weekend fling with Jennifer in Miami John smiled and said, “My weekend was good.”

Well played John. You bagged one hell of a cougar. Looks like your secret is safe for a little bit longer.

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John:
John Mayer has been blogging again. He over-shares on his blog:

I do not wish to have you (Jessica Simpson) in my life anymore. I don’t know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I’m done trying.
I hope this is enough closure for you.
Goodbye.

P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Translation:

I’m not really done trying. You still have my number so call me at your earliest convenience. Move on but think of me when you do. Get closure. Whore. You filthy whore I still love. Goodbye. Call me. I hope you kept me in your T-Mobile Faves. I’m still paying for those minutes. Nobody told me I was roaming in Mexico. Send money. Move on.

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Dee: Has anyone noticed that Paris Hilton DIDN’T get laid at the Grammy’s the other night. According to Pagesix.com, Paris tried her damndest to hook up with uber-guitar-hottie John Mayer, but to no avail. Pagesix reports Paris,

“aggressively tried to hook up with John Mayer - following him around and dancing, trying to get him to look at her…at one point, she sat at a table and tapped on the seat to motion him to sit next to her. John politely sat for less than a second before ignoring her and moving to chat with a group of friends.”    

John, let me be the first to say your music…ehhh…never hit home with me. BUT after publicly making Paris Hilton your bitch I will stand in line and vote Mayer for President in the upcoming election. Congrats for being the first public Paris denial of the new year. Hopefully the first of many. 

Bob ‘The Bitch’: Yes, this is all well and good but more importantly has anyone seen my toothbrush?? I left it out last night and I swear, Derober John, if you used it…I mean, come the F@#% on! That’s not cool, and it certainly isn’t hygienic. For the last time, my brush is always the one on the far left! Stay away from the brush on the far left!! Now I have to make a run to the store. Oh yeah, and horaay John Mayer. Probably never has his toothbrush stolen.

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I’ll give you all another hint, his name rhymes with John Mayer.

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