The Story of Aniston and Mayer (in two parts)

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Act 1: John leaves, “I had to go get all the hot young ass I could.”

Act II: John returns to marry his bride and plant his seed, a ‘pump n’ dump’

John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. Reports say that Jen issued a marriage ultimatum upon his return. So says The Star,

just a week after Jen and John Mayer reignited their romance, Jen made her move and asked him to marry her!
After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.”

We all know how the 3rd Act ends, kids. Aniston makes a baby. They name him Damien, the spawn of Satan. Damien runs a chain of Dunkin’ Donuts on the Lower East side of Manhattan unit he is called to lead an army of deamons against Jesus and Orthodox Socialists. Jesus and Damien call a truce after 100 years of bloodshed after both Jesus and Damien agree that Damien’s father, John Mayer, is a total douchebag.

Calmer than you are dude. John Mayer’s rant on his breakout with Jennifer Aniston

John Mayer does not crave attention

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John:
Sometimes as a blogger you come across a picture and just smile really big. Here, John Mayer is lobbing the world’s biggest soft ball right into my wheelhouse. What is he thinking? Did Johnny boy put a racing number on his car? Racing stripes are subtle and classy I think. The only way this car could get any worse is if he put a strobe light and a fog horn on it.

John is in Beverly Hills here on his way to meet Jennifer Aniston for lunch. We’re told he ordered the roasted lamb on a toasted raisin brioche with a side of peppermint douche.

What do you want me to draw you a diagram?

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John:
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue their Miami PDA fest. Sadly, it’s come time for me to admit that John Mayer has more game than Parker Bros. Darby, Bob ‘the Bitch’ and I actually called an emergency Derober house summit last night about this. Once ‘the Bitch’ returned from 7-Eleven with my Sour Patch Kids, we summited.
The Conclusion:
John Mayer’s music makes deaf babies cry. However, banging Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, and Jennifer Aniston is sex’s Triple Crown. John has taken them all down and for that we must give him the respect he deserves. The Derobers have no other choice but to illegally download his albums and celebrate his entire collection.

John recently went ‘Dress Diving’ in Aniston’s fun bags here.

John and Jenn sitting in a tree…

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Bob ‘The Bitch’:
Well despite my best efforts John Mayer has managed to hook up with another knock-out. According to In Touch magazine, John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are inseparable. John flew in to Miami just this past weekend to visit Jen at her $3,000 a night presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental. For the record John was checked in at the Four Seasons, but spent nearly all his time with Jen. And when asked about his weekend fling with Jennifer in Miami John smiled and said, “My weekend was good.”

Well played John. You bagged one hell of a cougar. Looks like your secret is safe for a little bit longer.